Thoughts You Have When You’re Forced to Watch the World Cup


Thoughts You Have When You’re Forced to Watch the World Cup

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

The FIFA World Cup, arguably the most exhilarating live sporting event since the Olympics, has kept fans captivated all the way from Dubai to Dadar. Almost everyone has their own personal team that they would reportedly “die” to see win. In some countries, like Mexico, the celebrations are recorded on the Richter scale.

But every now and then, even a supermodel produces a turd – and the World Cup produces a night of football that could put a caffeinated baby to sleep. Two European countries (Spain and Portugal) marginally defeated their Asian and African rivals (Iran and Morocco), just like the good ol’ days. Meanwhile Luis Suarez, the most popular cannibal since Hannibal Lecter, scored a goal to put Uruguay in the last 16 past the Green Falcons, Saudi Arabia.

Sure, at this point the football purists are bound to say, “Football is not just about scoring goals, it’s a technical game” and “last night was a fine example of technical football”, but I would counter with the equally valid argument, “Um, goals are fun too” and we are all going to reach that point where we just awkwardly stare at the floor for a few minutes. So on a night with three predictable 1-0 victories, let’s look for talking points from elsewhere in the FIFA Universe. Here are a few conversations starters to take you through your day.

1. Looks like Saudi will “beheading” out of this World Cup now.

2. One of those Spaniards is definitely married to Shakira. I can sense it in his hips.

3. Today I saw what Iranian women look like for the first time!

4. Why is Morocco abbreviated as MAR? Shit, is the country actually called Maracco? Have I been saying it wrong for the last ten years? Must check.

5. Cristiano Ronaldo is probably the Goat now. I mean have you seen the guy’s balance, and the way he prances about the field? He’s definitely more goat-like than Messi.

6. Dude, there’s an actual psychic goat at this World Cup that predicts results. 13/10 better than both Ronaldo and Messi.

7. If Diego Godin marries Diego Costa, do they become the Diego Costas, or the Diego Godins?

8. Japan and Senegal fans can be better ambassadors of Swachh Bharat Abhiyan than any of our “rude actresses”. We know where PM Modi will be flying next.

9. Did I just see an Indian guy in the crowd? Heyyy!

10. Clearly the Portuguese should consider calling themselves the falcons instead, considering they’re always diving at 180 kmph.

11. Tonight, Australia left behind their biggest midfield rock, the Ayers, at home. Let’s see if the Danes can take advantage.