Disciplining Celebrities! A New National Pastime with Aryan Khan As Its Latest Subject

Social Commentary

Disciplining Celebrities! A New National Pastime with Aryan Khan As Its Latest Subject

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

Right now India’s biggest challenge is its celebrities. If we can set them right by bullying, mud-slinging, spreading vicious rumours faster than the Delta variant, we will be heavenly again with a soaring GDP, a buoyant economy and the nation the world envies.

Isn’t this why fate presented Aryan Khan to us on a platter and in close range of 13 gms of cocaine so that we could drown him and his Dad with our toxicity! Till two days back we knew him as SRK’s pouty, whazzhisname college-going son. Not anymore. Thanks to a cruise ship off the Mumbai coast, I now know his name has a single A and that he was partying with a Moonmoon Dhamecha. Information none of us need to know but have been told nonetheless.

If it weren’t for our far from sanskari Bollywood brigade, we would never have known we have a Narcotics Control Bureau. They prefer staying mum and under a rock even when 3,000,000 gms of heroin is seized at Mundra port and come out of the woodwork to arrest Bharti Singh because she was found cavorting with 86 gms of marijuana.

Thanks to a cruise ship off the Mumbai coast, I now know his name has a single A and that he was partying with a Moonmoon Dhamecha.

I am glad that the NCB, like the rest of us on social media, holds Mumbai industry folks to the highest moral standards and demands a gram by gram accountability of the drugs this debauched lot consumes. Like them, I am convinced that with the arrest and judicial remand of our celebrities and their relatives we can solve Punjab’s grave drug abuse problem. Or maybe get Kasol on-track – that place everyone visits for the mountains and the trees.

Now that the NCB has kept Aryan and his friends in custody to uncover the seedy underbelly of India’s drug cartels, the media can shift its focus from Taimur’s potty to the shocking and incriminating WhatsApp chats found on Aryan’s phone.  Does he have links with Sushant Singh’s spirit that could lead to further clues? Is he the mastermind behind the farmer’s agitation that’s been fomenting for nearly a year now with no resolution in sight? Did he advise the US to pull out of Afghanistan and hand it over to the Taliban? Anything is possible when the Indian media goes snooping.

Is he the mastermind behind the farmer’s agitation that’s been fomenting for nearly a year now with no resolution in sight?

The thing is none of this does anything for anyone involved. The elite have means to bounce back, the country’s drug lords may just yawn for a few moments out of sheer boredom at the miserly pawns being questioned, and India’s narcotics agencies still wouldn’t have moved the needle at the end of this all. Nobody’s justifying what these kids are up to, but there is no denying that this situation is better handled intimately, in the presence of counsellors, and well-wishers, rather than media vultures who are looking to shred the next celebrity that trips in front of them till the last one is fully fed.

Aryan, you may be a bachcha for Suneil Shetty Uncle but India will not rest in peace till you are made to crawl with your nose on the floor.  We are still waiting for you to apologise for being born in one of India’s richest and most influential families. How dare you live a life we’ll gladly give a kidney for!

Rest assured, we’ll harness our negativity to make you the shining beacon of positivity. Once we have accomplished mission positivity, we’ll subject you to a purity test and make you walk through fire. Since you have so much fame to spare, we will piggyback on it to get our two minutes of spotlight and feel incredibly virtuous while shaming you and your irresponsible parents.

You have no idea how much fun it is to sit on a pedestal wearing my cloak of denial while I bristle with indignation and accuse you of corrupting our youth, hold you responsible for global warming, my backache and the ugly pimples on my nose that refuse to be evicted.

It is through your misdemeanors we absolve ourselves of the guilt of living a loser life.

Look Aryan, you should know, the moment we started stalking you and your super fancy lifestyle to pass hajaar useless comments, we also assigned you and your ilk to our bottomless bowl for bile. It is through your misdemeanors we absolve ourselves of the guilt of living a loser life.

So, please don’t take it personally. Because bade bade deshon mein, aisi chhoti chhoti batein hoti rehti hain. And while you are cooling your heels in jail, can you hit up with Kundra uncle and ask him why he kept Shilpa in the dark about his pornful activities?

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