News to Amuse: A Weekly Newsletter of All That You’ve Missed

TL;DR.

News to Amuse: A Weekly Newsletter of All That You’ve Missed

Illustration: Akshita Monga

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ello, and welcome to the second issue of TL;Dr. where we serve you the news like a quick-service restaurant – fried in some unhealthy facts, with a side of catch-up. If there’s one thing we’re good at, it’s segueing on to completely unrelated analogies and so we’re like that guy who goes to the gym right before a date and pumps some iron in a bid to cover up for years of neglect and body abuse with 15 minutes of buffing. So go ahead and right-swipe us already. No, wait. That probably takes you to the next article or something. Umm… you know what, let’s just get to the news.

At Home

Dam-age control: Last week, we brought you the nearly-perfect internet comment from the Kerala State Disaster Management Authority. This week, things took a turn for the worse in Kerala with relentless rains running riot, ruining and ravaging reservoir restrictions. For the first time in 40 years, all five shutters of the Idukki Dam have been opened, as have 23 other dams across the state. The rains are so bad that the Nehru Trophy Boat Race scheduled for this week has now been postponed, and will be rescheduled as per a date convenient for chief guest Sachin Tendulkar. Now you know why they call it God’s Own Country.

*Lowers Sunglasses*: Imagine winning all elections you contest in from 1957-2016 and still being referred to as Kalaignar (roughly, scholar of arts) because your influence extends to screenwriting (~40 films), books, and stage plays – that’s Karunanidhi, the stalwart who passed away this week. A person who embodied everything that’s unfashionable in 2018, such as being knowledgeable, actually reading religious texts before commenting on them, fierce rationalism, and those sunglasses from Cheap Halloween Rejects 1970. But, such is our cocooned ignorance that most people outside Tamil Nadu would not even have heard of him. Including the predominant national media. Here’s a helpful tip.

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Judge-mental: The Rajasthan High Court (oh no) acquitted a woman (what?) of murder (YAY!) because she was PMSing (wait, what?) stating it causes temporary insanity. Until now, we thought it was impossible to take one step forwards but still ending up one step backwards.

May you open the shutters of your mind and find that the outside world is not so bad after all.

Irrational numbers: Ours is a glorious nation where needless deaths happen so often that they’ve numbed us into accepting it as reality. A family in Delhi lost three girls to hunger because they had no ration cards. Of course, they’ll get justice. As soon as they figure out who is supposed to give it: the BJP, Congress and AAP have created that most political of shapes, a triangopointus. Our primary school teacher never told us that when three fingers are pointing at others, one finger is pointing at you.

Rain of thought: In case you didn’t know about it, the monsoon session of Parliament ended this week. To be perfectly honest, we have no idea what happened or what that means. Why did they stop? Someone get these guys a better weather app, it’s still raining outside our windows and even at Lord’s. We’re sure if anything important that affects the lives of the common man happens the mainstream media would keep us informed – y’know like if someone hugs or winks.

Around the World

Trump’ll still skin: Trump told the EU to stop doing business with Iran. The EU told Trump to – excuse our French – fuquez le vous. So Trump then told LeBron James he was dumb. Melania then said – excuse our Slovenian – shut up, Donald.

Salad days: In this time of political turmoil, right-wing populism and mass shootings, let us take solace in the fact that Brexit exists. Surely in the running for this year’s Best British Comedy Award, the latest news tells us that England might face a future with no sandwiches. Clearly, when they voted “Leave”, they meant the lettuce. (Chee, bad one, let us try again. Given how they’re doddering on this, surely they didn’t mean rocket leaves. Okay one more, Remain sounds like Romaine… Ok, this is going nowhere. Like Brexit.)

Don’t spare the road: The Bangladeshis are so pissed off that the government is doing nothing about their roads, that they’re taking to the, er, streets to protest – spearheaded by the youth. (Send some of that spirit Mumbaiwards when you’re done, please?)

Drone ko pakadna…: The new Venezuelan President was almost knocked off by exploding drones! Er, yeah, stay away from that part of the world. In general.

Business

You’ll Never Balk Elon: Yo Musk so tired of employees out their gettin’ distracted by the stock price, he just wanna take Tesla private again by buying shares off yer capitalist asses.

Fizzling out: In a blow to “Indian Pride” WhatsApp forwards everywhere, Indra Nooyi steps down as CEO of Pepsi. Hang on to Sundar and Satya before they bugger off too!

That’s it for this week. Like what you read? Have some thoughts or suggestions? Share it in the comments section below. Because we do things that are contrary to established wisdom – such as reading comments on the internet. Seriously, we’d love to hear from you. Until next week, may you open the shutters of your mind and find that the outside world is not so bad after all.

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