A Kit to Protect Your Fragile Masculinity in the Age of Feminism


A Kit to Protect Your Fragile Masculinity in the Age of Feminism

Illustration: Sushant Ahire

Boys will be boys, and men will be men. This is our great defence, used ad nauseam to trivialise our shenanigans. We could have broken a rule in school, passed a lewd remark, eve-teased, or even raped someone. It’s all good. Because. Boys will be boys.

But the hallowed institution of masculinity is under siege from uppity women who have the gall to demand things like equal pay and safer streets. These broads have backed men into a corner, taking away our right to whistle at their asses, and follow them home if we feel like it. In this oestrogen-filled environment, it’s getting harder and harder to be a man. As this female hysteria reaches its peak ahead of International Women’s Day, the brotherhood of macho men must be prepared to defend their masculinity. The life of a manly man is never easy, so here are a few hacks to keep up appearances and fly the flag of manliness on Women’s Day. Round up the boys, because it’s time for a shopping trip!

Cup of Confidence

Your first stop is a sporting goods store. Here, look for the smallest jockstrap and biggest cup you can find. The greater the disparity, the bigger your junk will look when you cram the cup into place. Now you can stand tall in the knowledge that your package precedes you every time you make an entry into a room. This ruse should convince people that your trouser snake is an anaconda, and it’s unlikely to be foiled because seriously, who’s going to be taking off your pants?

Secret Sports Car

Manhood is all about prestige and its symbols. Women should look at a man and be able to tell at a glance that he makes more money than them. It doesn’t even matter if this is not true, it is vital to maintain this illusion at all time for the perfect gender balance, where men are on top of course. Get yourself a sports car from your nearest luxury vehicle dealership. If you can’t afford it, at least get a fake key, which you can then say is for your Porsche. If you’re more of a two-wheeler kind of guy, you can buy a Harley jacket and let people assume you own a wild hog for extra man points.

Flask of Fearlessness

Nothing says “manly” like unrepentant alcoholism. The most masculine of men, say Hemingway, have been famed for their ability to drink enough booze to give an elephant a hangover. But liquor does not have the ability to magically transform everyone into a legend. For most of us, it means puking in an alley and pretending nothing happened. A visit to a gift shop to pick up an opaque hip flask is the last stop on your shopping trip. Fill it with Electral, and don’t share with anyone. The rehydration will help when the drink starts melting your legs faster than the ice in your glass.

These three items are a must-have for all proud, independent men. With them, you cover the most important facets of manhood – the three Bs. Big dicks, big toys, and big drinks. The expansion pack will introduce you to the ancillary aspects, like the three Cs – catcalling, cigars, and cricket.