Why Do Women Need Free Metro Rides? Aren’t Ladies Nights Not Enough?

Satire

Why Do Women Need Free Metro Rides? Aren’t Ladies Nights Not Enough?

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

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f the AAP has its way, metro and bus travel will soon be free for women. Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal claims that this move will encourage women to use public transport in droves. But the “pinch brigade”, and the men who board the crowded Metro solely to rub their lonely penis on unsuspecting behinds hoping for some magic, are obviously appalled at this suggestion.

The more the women, the safer, Kejriwal thinks. But that’s unacceptable to these protestors. These free rides are nothing but the CM clamping down on every man’s right to make women feel unsafe in public spaces, they say. Fair enough, being a perverted creep is a full-time job. It requires thick skin, zero shame, and a warped belief that women step out of the house only when they are in the mood to get molested.

To the dear men who are outraged by this “unequal treatment”, look at the silver lining – this way, you’re spoilt for choice for who to stare at with your mouths open and eyebrows wiggling. You don’t have to restrict yourself to an MNC executive or a college student. With a free ride, even a daily wage labourer can be added to the mix. Everyone is up for grabs (excuse the phrasing). And that is what I call equality.

With so many women on board, you also have the opportunity to grow an extra pair of hands to be able to grope and punish as many women commuters as possible. (I’ve heard anything’s possible if you fast for 16 consecutive Mondays and only eat non-veg when someone else is paying for it.)

Only men are allowed to benefit from womankind. Have them birth you. Take care of you. Make perfectly round rotis for you.

Anyway, I have another bone to pick, why should metro fares only be exempt for women? We know how much it hurts when women get undue benefits. Why do women even need free rides? This is a violation of men’s rights. Aren’t the rules clear? Only men are allowed to benefit from womankind. Have them birth you. Take care of you. Make perfectly round rotis for you.

Which is not to say every woman is ecstatic about this decision. There are some sensible ones who are not too happy with this sudden bounty thrown their way. They believe this is a big blow to equality, and I totally get it. But these unhappy women needed to be heard. So they tweeted that thought out from the confines of their AC offices, where they work just as hard as the men around them to get paid less. Or from an Uber ride because the Delhi Metro is so middle-class. The last thing an emancipated woman needs is some man – even if he’s a Chief Minister – trying to be their magnanimous sugar daddy. Nope. Don’t want. Women are good with freebies as long as they are limited to “Ladies Night” at their favourite Hauz Khas pub.

Plus if the Centre gives in to the AAP’s propaganda, freeloaders will have a field day. The number of women commuters will rise exponentially. They’ll step out of their homes with more gusto to go to schools and training institutes, the silly lasses. Women who should be content with low-paying jobs close to their homes, will now waste their time travelling across the city to make a little more money. No one to hold them back. Isn’t this against our sanskar? If women go all out and dominate the world, who will make sure the home is clean and the children taken care of?

Once women reclaim public spaces, they’ll begin to scratch their body parts like no one’s watching, sit with their legs so wide open that a train can pass under it, and make good use of their elbows to feel soft squishy parts of strangers. Just like men do! How is that even fair?  

Will it even feel like Delhi anymore if people aren’t getting into fistfights?

Soon the metro will have to have a coach reserved to protect men from rowdy women. Is that even economically feasible? Plus, being a lone man in coach full of women is a daunting experience. Who knows it better than us?

What’s worrisome is that women also have this terrifying habit of trying to make their spaces homely. Do you think you’ll be able to withstand the trauma of stepping inside a Metro that looks warm, friendly, where you can hear the sounds of laughter as you step in? Will it even feel like Delhi anymore if people aren’t getting into fistfights?

I know what you are thinking. The beautifully painted murals at the INA station may not weather the onslaught of milling crowds of women putting on makeup. And will this even stop at free rides? What if someone comes up with the chhee chhee idea of sanitary napkin vending machines at stations?

Dear angry men, will that be the last straw for you? Will you start walking to your workplace or squeeze yourself in a shared ride, braving the heat and groping taus!

I think if women take over the Metro, it’s better if you stay home. Your wife will be expecting freshly cooked meal once she gets back from work.

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