What’s the Best Time to Visit Kailaasa, Nityananda’s Wild Wild Country?

Satire

What’s the Best Time to Visit Kailaasa, Nityananda’s Wild Wild Country?

Illustration: Siddhakanksha Mishra

It’s the end of another year, and that can only mean one thing — it’s time to plan a vacation you’re never going to make it for again! If you’re rich, you could consider celebrating the New Year on the shores of an island in the Mediterranean Sea. If you have a fear of being airborne, might we suggest taking a trip to the luscious scooter plains of Pune. If you’re more of a “offbeat” traveller, on the other hand, and feel a sudden urge to spend a few days in the presence of the “living reincarnation of the superconsciousness”, might we suggest that you do something slightly different this time around.A brand new island nation has been declared off the coast of Ecuador and it’s already pegged to be the greatest holiday destination since Rajneeshpuram was forced to shut down in the late 1980s. Founded by the criminal “Godman” Swami Nithyananda in December 2019, the new country of Kailaasa (pending UN approval) has finally opened its doors to the public, despite being in the works since around 200 BCE. Let’s find out more about this pure-veg party destination by going through details from its extensive website.

Overview & History

Like a few other nations, Kailaasa was formed following several allegations of rape, torture, kidnapping, and child abuse. Its founder, and the man featured on the flag riding Lord Shiva’s Nandi bull, Nithyananda, is currently fleeing from these crimes from his former country, India. But don’t let that distract you from Kailaasa’s rich, one-day legacy of “maintaining Gender Equality” for all of Hindus. As the website reminds us — and it must be legit if its published online — it was always the “foreign invaders” who employed tactics like sexual assault on us for years, while our godmen were victimised. 

The website also goes on to claim that the nation is free of hunger, which, considering its current population of one billionaire, doesn’t seem to be that big a deal, but it apparently is. Its Constitution, meanwhile, vows to protect all other Indegenous Nations. It’s all very noble and ancient, you see.

Three languages are spoken in this great nation — English, Sanskrit, and Tamil. Its national flower is the Lotus, its national tree is the Banyan, and its national bird is the “Sharabha”, which is either a mythological half-lion half-bird, or an eight-legged deer depending on which scripture you believe. No independent reporter from Latin America was able to verify whether any of this flora and fauna was indeed “indigenous” to the island. But once you start to see things through your third eye, it doesn’t matter what you’re looking at.

Strength of passport

The passport of this new nation of Kailaasa is easily the strongest in the world, considering all you need to do to get one is flee your current country and show up for the evening aarti. This document doesn’t just enable you to travel within countries, however. According to the official website, it also channels the “grace of Paramashiva” to allow “free entry into all eleven dimensions and 14 lokas, including Kailaasa.” Beat that, Japan.

According to the website, the Dalai Lama and Nithyananda are the only two men holding China and India back from all out nuclear war. So thanks!

Activities and tourist spots

The new island nation is brimming with activities for Hindus of all ages and backgrounds. Don’t forget to spend a day admiring the scenic “temple-based ecosystem” before you head down to the city centre to learn the “Science of the Third Eye”. You’ll also be able to avail of the free universal healthcare the island offers, which draws from all the latest developments in “Oneness technology” to treat patients. If you stay long enough, and — god forbid — decide to raise children there, they’ll also get a free pass into the Gurukul system, where you’ll learn directly from the country’s founder all the necessary skills to make cows speak in Tamil, and important scientific formulae from ancient India, like “yeee=yemc2”.  

International Policy

According to the website, the Dalai Lama and Nithyananda are the only two men holding China and India back from all out nuclear war. So thanks!

Governance

A number of ministries have been set up to take control of this island nation, even though it isn’t clear how many residents the country has (website says 2.1 billion, but there hasn’t been time for an official census). Apart from the regular “Department of Defence”, and a “Department of Treasury”, the nation also boasts of a “Department of Enlightened Civilisation”, which ensures that everyone is familiar with its founder Nithyananda’s extensive body of work.

For those unfamiliar, Nithyananda is well known in several WhatsApp groups for having countered Einstein’s famous theory of relativity, with this string of nonsense questions: “What is mc2? The difference between intensity and continuity. What is energy? What is matter? Matter is continuity, energy is intensity. What do you call matter? Anything continue. What do you call energy? Anything intense.” Wow, it’s like an episode of Big Bang Theory!

Best Time to Visit

If sources are to be believed, the best time to visit the country is when you feel like your religion is being persecuted, when you’re facing a number of non-bailable warrants, or are a white person who’s suddenly interested in the ancient practice of dog yoga.

Overall, this idyllic island is sure to remind you of your time in the world’s oldest civilisation. So the next time you’re struggling with life, stuck at the airport with no destination in sight, don’t forget to consider the great country of Kailaasa.

Comments