Virat, Welcome to the Anti-National Side


Virat, Welcome to the Anti-National Side

Illustration: Akshita Monga / Arré

We thought we’d seen the last of this year’s stupid comments, considering we’re in the final few days of December. Should have known better. A BJP legislator decided to not go gently into the night, and made a comment to bookend this year nicely.

MLA Panna Lal Shakya from Madhya Pradesh, with a straight face, said about the Virushka wedding: “Lord Ram got married on this land (India)…You all must have got married here. None of us goes to a foreign country to get married … (Kohli) earned money here and spent billions there (Italy)… (he) doesn’t have any respect for the country. This proves he is not a patriot.”

Excellent. Virat, welcome to the side of anti-nationals. We know exactly how you feel given how often we’re labelled that. You’re in the illustrious company of former PM Manmohan Singh who was called anti-national for not quasi-nuking Pakistan after 26/11. BJP spokesperson and fake news Editor-in-Chief Sambit Patra last week alleged that Dalit activist and slayer of hearts Jignesh Mewani is funded by anti-nationals. Canada-born BJP CM of Gujarat Vijay Rupani alleged that the Congress’ Ahmed Patel has links to ISIS: That’s very anti-national.

So a BJP legislator calling Virat Kohli anti-national for getting married abroad, is the most predictable storyline in our post-political-intelligence world. Only Radhe Ma is pure and pious. What is also predictable is the downfall of Virushka, the toast of the season, whose wedding pictures, we’ve been breathlessly informed multiple times, give us couple goals. Being labelled anti-national is just the first step in the fall of an icon we’ve all had enough of. The next obvious step is getting into their bedrooms, like it happened with Gujju sex god aka Hardik Patel. Stay tuned for a fake WhatsApp video of the Virushka sex tape to be circulated.

Whenever he underperforms, Virat Kohli will be bashed. And if the bad performance is against Pakistan, then God help him. He will be accused of match-fixing, bhakt bros will go on deep internet trips on the the etymology of the word “Virat” trying to find some Mughal links, while he will be asked again and again if all his failures came about because he didn’t get married in Ayodhya.

Virat, welcome to the side of anti-nationals.
We know exactly how you feel given how often we’re labelled that.

Anushka, meanwhile, poor lucky Anushka, who first got a lip job and then disrespected the nation further by wanting a picturesque wedding, will have to face even more shit. Earlier she was only blamed when Virat played badly, now she will also have her films boycotted à la deshdrohi Bhansali. Ministers will chime in with expert advice on how she should stop wearing “chhote kapde”, not kiss any “paraya mard” in movies. Shit will really hit the fan for our home girl, and TV channels, you know the guys who made Rahul Gandhi watching Star Wars national news, will inject all of this in our already extremely polluted mindspace.

The year is ending, but the dumbassery is not. One day, we will hear the end of this label. Sadly, today is not that day.