US Visa Officers Submit Mass Resignations After Going Through Indian TikTok Accounts

Satire

US Visa Officers Submit Mass Resignations After Going Through Indian TikTok Accounts

Illustration: Ahmed Sikander

There’s a mass exodus in US visa offices across the country. After Washington ordered a mandatory screening of all social media handles for visa applicants, it’s raining resignations. Officers have been complaining that going through Facebook, Twitter and Instagram profiles of Indian men who post their pictures on beaches wearing nothing but VIP chaddis and women who post nothing but images of their babies is human rights violation. However, their biggest fear remains TikTok.  

“Going through pre-wedding photoshoot pictures on Instagram and Babu-Shona chats is still fine, but there’s no way we can scan TikTok accounts. I can’t watch young boys crying to Tere Naam songs for eight hours. This is workplace harassment at best and a violation of basic human rights at worst,” said Shakti Das, a Mumbai-based officer.

For Mohit Biswas, an employee from Bhubaneswar, the new policy has created a crisis in the family. “I had to go through my social media pages of my relatives and found out that some of the men in the family keep sending “show bobs and vagene” messages on Facebook. When I shared the report with my boss, everyone laughed at me for ten minutes. I cannot take the mental stress that comes with this job. I had no option but to quit,” he said.

A worker’s union, headed by Matthew D’mello, has demanded that TikTok be excluded from the list of social media profiles to be screened. “We’re sure that no one is sharing nuclear codes here. Boys use it to cry, uncles use it to awfully lip-sync and everyone else is busy taking challenges that bring the collective IQ of our species down. The happiness index in our offices has dipped drastically since people were forced to review TikTok. If nothing is done soon, this could lead to a huge human resource crisis,” he stated.

When asked about the rationale behind the decision, US President Donald Trump said, “Immigrants are threatening the sovereignty of the country with their dank memes and cat videos. People who watch JCB ki khudayi videos on YouTube are not welcome in our country. We need to build a firewall to protect American citizens. And no one builds better walls than me. You ask anyone, they’ll tell you, I build the best walls. It’s going be a yuuge 100-foot firewall and I’ll get Mexico to pay for it,” he declared, while also hate-tweeting about the latest Saturday Night Live episode at 2 am.  

Applicants are also having a tough time dealing with this new policy, which many are calling an invasion of privacy. IT companies across the country were faced with an acute staff shortage as engineers took personal leaves to clear browsing history and delete their catfish accounts. A consultant who didn’t wish to be identified said, “I had to delete 2TB of porn I downloaded from ‘Naughty America’. It’s a sad day, but I don’t want my application to be rejected. Who are these people to judge my TikTok account? These Americans use phrases like chai-tea, naan-bread and today they have to gall to judge my acting on TikTok!? I think Donald Trump should reverse this decision.”

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