UNESCO Starts Literacy Programme for Netas; Ram Kadam, Su Swamy are First Students

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UNESCO Starts Literacy Programme for Netas; Ram Kadam, Su Swamy are First Students

Illustration: Arati Gujar

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his International Literacy Day, the United Nations noticed that its diversity programme was seriously lacking representation from India. So while the organisation continues to offer literacy programmes to children and adults around the world, it has come up with a novel scheme – like our governments do on Independence or Republic Day – to start a special training programme for our politicians.

Thanks to PM Modi’s clout on the global stage, UNESCO has favoured our country, and reportedly picked up a few “misquoted” and “misunderstood” desi politicians for the new scheme. Many netas, of course, deserved to be on the list, based purely on the merit of their statements. However, due to a stringent selection process, and a limit on the number of times you can spit on a wall abroad, only a few lucky ones made the cut.

The participants will face a gruelling three days on the Greek island of Santorini, forced to drink chaas in libraries, and put their phones on silent when they enter theatres. Here’s the shortlist.

Ram “I want to abduct women” Kadam

Ram Kadam started his political journey in the MNS but later switched to the BJP, probably because the BJP magnetically attracts everything that has the word Ram in it.

Kadam declared himself the ideal candidate for UNESCO’s programme when he threatened to abduct women from their houses for the sake of their stalkers. It wasn’t really required, but he ensured his participant tag a while later when he tweeted about the death of a beloved actress over a “rumour”.

UNESCO is reportedly going to convince Mr Kadam that there’s other things he can lift in this world (#LatsBeforeYouKidnaps), so that he can one day claim a spot in India’s Olympic weightlifting team instead of spreading fake news on Twitter. But before he touches a woman, including his wife, he needs a no-objection certificate from them. Is that so difficult to understand, sir?

Subramanian “I am not playing with gay people” Swamy

Now he might be a Harvard-educated former law and commerce minister who eats two meals at the Supreme Court canteen every day, but Subramanian Swamy has made it to this list on the merit of his public statements. He reportedly accepted the offer because he thought Greece would be the perfect platform to for him to rant about Western culture.

In his view, a law decriminalising homosexuality, will allow for “many gay bars” where people with “genetic disorders” will gather, laugh, do sex, “social evils”, and spread HIV to the walls, as if that were their primary objective. Before you could catch him on the sheer stupidity of his statement, he did have an excellent counter involving something to do with spreading HIV to animals or such.

“Swamy Ji, Arun Jaitley is back, the economy is not doing great,” is just one of the few things we expect the UN to bring up during the programme.

Satyapal “What’s an evolution?” Singh

The Human Resources department minister responsible for higher education, Satyapal Singh has managed to pray his way into the shortlist. Despite his reported background as a science student, and a mystery PhD, he shot to fame in January for making the technically true statement: “I am not a child of apes”.

Since then he has been in the news for challenging the now-deceased scientist Charles Darwin to a duel, and claiming to scientifically disprove evolution in speeches.

Ram Kadam started his political journey in the MNS but later switched to the BJP, probably because the BJP magnetically attracts everything that has the word Ram in it.

Fortunately for him, his classes, the world has to deal with several such people, and a special class will be held for him along with religious leaders from across the world.  

Several other over-enthusiastic candidates, such as Biplab Deb and Rahul Gandhi sent in their applications, but have been put on hold for now. Compiling the final shortlist has been a logistical nightmare for UNESCO, considering our list of foot-in-the-mouth politicians is longer than the list of medals China has won in its Asian Games history. 

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