Thank You Tim Cook for Not Launching the New iPhone. Even Kidney Sale Won’t Purchase a Decent Price Now

Satire

Thank You Tim Cook for Not Launching the New iPhone. Even Kidney Sale Won’t Purchase a Decent Price Now

Illustration: Reynold Mascarenhas

These are unprecedented times. The world may have turned upside down with a pandemic and a recession, but nothing can stop an Apple Event. At the special “Time Flies” event, Apple announced Watch SE, Watch Series 6, iPad Air, 8th generation iPad, and a few new services.

Tim Cook once again announced that this was the “most powerful” iPad they’d ever made. Until next year, when he’ll launch a new one. There was also a new version of the Watch released, which costs as much as a Bajaj scooter. That’s not all. There was something for everyone, even those not eyeing the iPad or the Watch. I, for one, was ready for my software to get slower three seconds after they announced iOS 14. But these are just the sideshows, like Varun Dhawan performing at IIFA before the main event, which is obviously Hrithik Roshan. The main event of every Apple Event is the new iPhone.

After a tiring day of work-from-home, I got my plate of khichdi (because pay cuts, duh) and tuned in to the Apple Event, with kidney jokes ready in my Twitter drafts, waiting for the announcement of iPhone 12. But there was none – Hrithik wasn’t going to perform at IIFA this year. And I hate to admit it as an Apple fan/slave, but I was lowkey pleased. Because let’s face it, I can’t afford the new iPhone amid this recession.

If there was a new iPhone out, as a loyal member of the Apple fanclub, I’d have to buy it, no questions asked. It’s like how every BJP minister has to say “Modi ji ke netrutva mein” in every interview. There’s no logic to it, it’s just a habit. It doesn’t matter if I have to sell my car, house, my sibling’s kidney (I sold mine years ago) or whatever it takes. Which is why I am thankful to Tim Cook for not testing my bhakti this time around, because while devotion may be spiritual, kadki is real.

The pandemic has forced many businesses to shut and given an opportunity to bosses to cut salaries, not give bonuses and hikes, and still make us work 17 hours a day. The times are tough. I have dumped pizzas for khichdi, Starbucks for haldi doodh, and Netflix for Ludo. Ghar ke kapde is my new fashion statement and the only parties I attend are on Zoom calls. Things are so bad that if an iPhone was announced, even a kidney sale wouldn’t fetch a decent price given the market scenario. I would have to sell an additional limb to even buy the new charging port or USB cable, because what’s an Apple event where they don’t force customers to spend on pointless accessories?

Thank you Tim Cook, for saving me from the embarrassment of having to buy a new Apple phone when I can’t even afford Kashmiri apples. I won’t let you down. When the economy kicks back and if I still have my job, I’ll take a hugeass loan in the middle of a recession and will be ready for the next Apple event. I don’t mind paying EMIs for 12 years on a device that can’t survive a four-feet drop.

The pandemic may change the “way we live” and all that crap, but if there’s one thing I can’t socially distance myself from, it is Apple products. Tim, I can’t wait for you to announce the iPhone 12 at the next Apple event so I can finally buy the iPhone 6 at the revised reduced prices. After all, that is what being an Apple fanatic is all about, spending money you don’t have on products you don’t really need.

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