One Year On, Who Has Won #MeToo? The Men, Of Course

Satire

One Year On, Who Has Won #MeToo? The Men, Of Course

Illustration: Akshita Monga/Arré

In the last year, the Silence Breakers, the women who brought down the several sexual predators governing our world, fended off competition from contenders like Beyoncé, and the guy with orange hair, to be declared Time magazine’s People of the Year.

Now let’s get real — an achievement of this stature shouldn’t be credited to mere womenfolk, whose place, it has been established, is in the kitchen making a sandwich. So a year into the #MeToo movement, we’re going to go ahead and give credit where it’s actually due, and acknowledge the real kick-starters of the campaign: The men who made sexual harassment possible in the first place, and the men who covered it up for them.

Through the year, for every Christine Blasey Ford who has had the courage to come forward, there have been about 10 Kavanaughs who have come forth to protect the hoary tradition that is chauvinism and the pressures of having to drink beer. But do you see the mainstream media talking about their achievements? Of course not. No one cares for good ol’ Men ki Baat these days. It may seem unbelievable, or ridiculous even, but herein lies an important lesson that only the harasser and his friends cared to teach us this year: “The mainstream media is out to get the men.”

The biggest travesty is that men don’t get enough credit in preventing sexual harassment.

The biggest travesty is that men don’t get enough credit in preventing sexual harassment. It can’t be easy going through the day wanting to grab the ass of every woman you see, and not be able to do so without permission. I mean, it’s almost like telling someone they have to walk into a mall and not steal everything in sight. Can you believe that shit? Without meninists and Twitter eggs and #NotAllMen guiding us through this new-age liberal propaganda, we might have actually thought there was a limit to our privilege, like some kind of woman or minority.

A special thanks goes out to meninists everywhere for statistically convincing us that false rape cases outnumber real, horrific cases to the extent where we should just turn a blind eye to all of it. Also, thank you for reminding the womenfolk that patriarchy affects men too in this time of reckoning. Us men are under so much pressure to buy cool cars and drink alcohol in bars, and all the women can do is yak about insignificant troubles like gender equality and safety. For a gender that regards itself as the “fairer sex”, this does seem a little out of character.

However, it is important to laud our achievements this year. What’s truly amazing, men, is that we have managed to make our point with such sophistication in this difficult hour. I would have gone my entire life calling women, “women”, if I hadn’t been provided with such a snazzy, nostalgic (only ’40s kids will remember!!) title — the feminazi. Now that you mention it, women are exactly like Hitler; one spilled the blood of Jews, the other wakes up in the morning and drinks juice. Well… almost like Hitler in any case!

The fact that so many men have come out in droves on the internet to fight for their rights in the face of this “rampant feminism” is heartwarming. It’s like watching a real-life David Attenborough documentary on the lives of Neanderthals. This needs immediate recognition in the form of several Daahli boyz holding a bachelor party on a beach in Goa. Plus points if you take a dangerous selfie on the rocks with an unsuspecting woman swimming in the background. Don’t worry about being embarrassed, this is your birthright as a person with a penis.

Men could learn a thing or two from the 1950s about keeping women in check these days. Too many have had the courage to stand up and fight. But the meninists will continue to resist. For their resilience to the outdated ideas of gender bias in the face of all the outrage, we are almost compelled to put on our tin foil hats and commend a year into the #MeToo movement the sexual harasser. #IlluMENatiConfirmed

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