Rahul Gandhi After Exit Polls is Every Weak Student Before Exam Results

Satire

Rahul Gandhi After Exit Polls is Every Weak Student Before Exam Results

Illustration: Robin Chakraborty

Ilook forward to the general election results on May 23rd the same way the weak student in class looks forward to his exam results. I am terrified in the same way kids in West Bengal are terrified of making memes.

I remember the results from 2014 like it was yesterday. I had managed to get the Congress party its lowest tally in history at 44 seats. I always thought passing marks were 35, but there’s no pleasing some people, is there? Yes, my father was popular and capable like Sunil Gavaskar, but I’m more of a Rohan Gavaskar. I’m the Marwari kid who wants to do something else in life, but has been forced to sit at the family dukaan and sucks at his job.

Did I let that bad result affect me? No, I was giggling on stage even while conceding defeat. As “Pappu”, I was mocked and shamed more than Alia Bhatt after that Koffee With Karan episode.  There were more memes being made on me than Taimur Ali Khan. (Hate that Snapchat baby filter already!) That’s when I decided, I would give it my all and make a comeback, like that CA Final student after three attempts who can’t take it anymore.  

What have I not done in the past five years?

Weak students need help, so my team arranged a social media makeover for me. This is where all the class toppers like Narendra Modi, Arvind Kejriwal, and Mamata Banerjee were scoring well, and I couldn’t afford to miss out. So I went online, attacking Modi ji directly with witty puns, sharing rap videos, funny memes, and links to articles. I felt like the cool kid from a college in Bandra, but deep inside, I knew I was catching up with the rest of the class.

To be a good politician, one also has to ace interviews. Unlike our Prime Minister, I didn’t have the luxury of getting the question paper beforehand. So my team spent hundreds of hours preparing me for interviews. The interview I had given t0 Arnab in 2014 was so disastrous, people had to mark themselves safe on Facebook after watching it. Yet I took up the challenge and started giving interviews to everyone as if I was Salman Khan promoting his Eid release. I was also ready to let people know how I eat mangoes but no one asked me!

At best, I can cry about re-evaluation and paper checking.

As the exam got nearer, I knew even symbolic gestures had to be made, like visiting temples. I even downloaded Temple Run on my phone. People think I went to temples to appease to the Hindu vote bank, but I really needed to pray so that I don’t fail again. I can tolerate watching Love Story 2050 on loop but I can’t stand five more years of Pappu jokes!

I believed I was adequately prepared for the exam this time around. I had left nothing in the tank. When the exams were done, like most kids, I told relatives that it was great so they wouldn’t bother me with it during my summer vacations. But the exit polls are out and so is my misery. Everyone is saying that I’m going to fail again and Modi ji is going to top the class.  

I can’t even claim that the paper was tough or I forgot my geometry box at home. At best, I can cry about re-evaluation and paper checking. I prayed in temples, took help from my sister, revamped my social media, gave interviews to everyone possible, and also uploaded a video with my dog.

What else can you do to top the class?

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