TV News Channels to Announce Lok Sabha Election Results from the Moon


TV News Channels to Announce Lok Sabha Election Results from the Moon

Illustration: Ahmed Sikander

After putting on a seizure-inducing presentation of the exit polls over the weekend, a source revealed that TV news channels are now planning to take the broadcast of the Lok Sabha counting to the next level. To the dismay of graphics teams across newsrooms – who were hoping to finally spend a few hours at home – a number of anchors have hinted that their election coverage will be a spectacle equivalent to Avengers: Endgame and Game of Thrones combined.

One enthusiastic host, who made his panellists sit like they were at the Last Supper to announce his exit poll on Sunday, even went as far as to say that his news channel would be the first in the history of Indian television to announce election results from the surface of the moon.

“We have already spoken to our friends in ISRO for this project,” the anchor told this reporter, before inviting him to be the 61st panellist on the show. “First they were really sceptical about the whole project, but then we explained to them that our TRPs were at stake. After accusing them of being part of the ‘Tukde Tukde Gang’ for the ninth time, they finally understood the gravity of the situation and complied.”

Other news channels are reportedly trying to match this channel’s tall claims, with grand ideas of their own. “We hired the same man who did the graphics for Govinda’s first three films to create a fake helicopter for our exit poll coverage,” another anchor told us. “But sadly, our reporter fell out of the cockpit and scratched his legs quite badly. So this time we reached out to Wing Commander Abhinandan to pilot the CGI chopper. Hopefully, his expertise will be enough to ensure that the public only watches our channel for the rest of their lives.”

A source told us that this battle is now getting a little too heated and that a few TV channels were struggling to live up to the promises they’ve made to their viewers. “Last week, we promised that our channel would be the only one to have an entire litter of puppies announce the final Lok Sabha results,” an employee of one channel told us. “But do you have any idea how hard it is to make a dog remember the names of 535 candidates? Fuck this shit, I’m done here,” the soon-to-be former employee added.

“I really enjoyed the news channels coverage of the exit polls,” an elderly TV channel viewer told us. “Still can’t close my eyes without seeing blue and yellow lights flash behind my eyelids, and can’t tell the difference between half the panellists anyway, but all in all, it was a fun show.”