Hug of War: How Navjot Singh Sidhu Became a “Pakistani Puppet”

Satire

Hug of War: How Navjot Singh Sidhu Became a “Pakistani Puppet”

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

H

ow is it possible that India has been thrashed 4-1 in England but I’m the one having the worse summer? Nirmala Sitharaman claimed soldiers are demoralised after I hugged the Pakistani army chief. I didn’t know the soldiers were counting on my trips and who I hugged for their morale boost. I wish she’d told me advance so I could single-handedly have solved the India-Pakistan military conflict… by not hugging Qamar Javed Bajwa. Harsimrat Kaur Badal said I’m a puppet of the Pakistani government and I take great offence to that. I may have been a laughter track on TV for over a decade but one thing I am not, is a puppet.

Here’s a confession: When I kept saying “thoko thoko” on television all these years, I didn’t know some people might take it literally. I am appalled at the Bajrang Dal announcing a ₹5 lakh bounty on my head. Is that all my life is worth? For fuck’s sake, I scored four back-to-back half-centuries at the 1987 World Cup! I am a friggin’ minister in the Punjab government right now! The price on my life won’t even be enough to fetch you an exclusive leaked photo of Taimur.

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