Dear Navika Kumar, Please Read My WhatsApp Chats With Bae & Give Me Dating Advice

Satire

Dear Navika Kumar, Please Read My WhatsApp Chats With Bae & Give Me Dating Advice

Illustration: Robin Chakraborty

In the last few weeks, Navika Kumar of Times Now has taken investigative journalism to a new level with her analyses and exposés of WhatsApp chats. Between trying to decipher what “Imma bounce” means to successfully cracking “Maal hai kya?”, Navika Kumar has really grown up. We all thought “K” was a rude way to cut off conversation midway, but Lady Sherlock has figured out that K is Karishma and D is Deepika.

The legend of Navika Kumar has grown to the point that people have started deleting their own shady WhatsApp chats like “Nice DP” and the platform itself is about to introduce a new feature after “Delete for Me” and “Delete for Everyone”; it will be called “Delete for Navika”.

Haters gonna hate, Navika. Don’t pay attention to them. What you have is not only a gift, but also a business idea waiting to happen. From boomers to millennials to fuckbois and office employees, everyone needs help trying to understand what a specific WhatsApp message means. And this could be your calling in life – to become a WhatsApp consultant and help people with their jobs, relatives, and dating life.

Dear Navika, what does it really mean when my crush replies “hmmm” and then doesn’t show up for four hours? When my boss uses 🙂 instead of the emoji version, is it meant to be passive aggressive? When a friend says “BT”, do they mean “Blue Tokai” or “Bad Trip”? (Asking for a friend, don’t summon me if you’re reading this, NCB.) Is the two folded hands emoji a high five or a pranaam? When relatives in a WhatsApp group use “BC”, do they mean “because” or are they accidentally saying “bhenchod”?

When bae removes her WhatsApp DP, should that be interpreted as a hint about something? What is the protocol when someone leaves a WhatsApp group unannounced? Is it okay to immediately start bitching about that person, or do we have to give it at least three business days? These are the answers to online social transactions that we really need Navika, and only you can provide them.

Like a religious student, I turn on the TV every night to learn what Navika Ma’am is going to teach me about WhatsApp today.

Like a Math teacher at school who is now catching up with e-learning technology in Covid times, you take the stage every night with the screen behind you flashing WhatsApp chats, and you explain to us simple folk, what is going on in the murky world of Bollywood. I have learnt more about drugs and their nicknames from your show than I have in real life from my college friends or work colleagues, who all smoke. Like a religious student, I turn on the TV every night to learn what Navika Ma’am is going to teach me about WhatsApp today. And you never fail to disappoint.

Some detractors will keep saying that browsing WhatsApp chats on TV is not journalism and that real investigation is about going to ground zero and talking to people, but what do they know? They are just experts who are salty, bitter, angry, and right. You are not only unearthing new facts, but also teaching us how to avoid making the mistakes that stars like Rhea and Deepika have made.

I mean come on, who uses a credit card to pay for drugs? That is such a noob move. We will also have to figure out new code words and phrases because “maal hai kya” and all is so 2003 ya.

Never let this gift go to waste Navika ma’am, millions of Indians could use your help. I suggest you start a section on your prime time show where callers can ask you their specific WhatsApp problems and you help them navigate this online world. An employee could get a promotion, a relative could get validation from family members, and an engineering guy might even get laid. Now isn’t that a much happier calling than journalism?

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