Down With Libtards! Six Tips to Shed Your “Khan Market Gang” Image

Satire

Down With Libtards! Six Tips to Shed Your “Khan Market Gang” Image

Illustration: Reynold Mascarenhas

The last couple of days have been eye-opening for one section of India, the anti-Modi camp. You know the wine-and-cheese crowd that sits comfortably in their Twitter bubbles, re-tweeting Kunal Kamra and hating on terror-accused MPs like a bunch of snowflakes. Now that these “bleeding-heart liberals” have lost another election, as well as all hope from their hero Rahul Gandhi, it’s time to put down the jholas and smell the saffron. If you want to be taken seriously for the next five years, you must respect the mandate of the people, people!

Currently, if you’re the type who believes in things like “secularism” or “Dhruv Rathee”, you should be prepared to deal with a stream of smug comments about how you’re a “bootlicker of the dynasty” or how “your privilege has blinded you”. It’s 2019, grow up already! Even if you don’t know it yet, you’re behaving like a “commie” who hasn’t once respected the armed forces. This time why don’t you actually make the effort to leave behind this “tukde tukde” ideology and show some pride in your heritage. If you’re growing tired of reading rabid comments by the IT cells of various parties, there’s just thing one thing left to do. If you can’t beat them join them. You could start the process of integrating by following these steps.

Careful what you say

Any given person, at any given time, can only be one of two things – for the ruling party, or against the ruling party, aka against Indian culture. Nothing screams “Khan Market gang” more than accidentally writing a post about how you’re disappointed about Atishi losing from East Delhi against Gautam Gambhir, because it’s just impossible that people can have more than one view on politics. Immediately you’re bound to be advised by a number of commenters about the benefits of a certain ointment named “burnol”. This will usually be accompanied by a GIF of Akshay Kumar gleefully exclaiming, “Jali Na?! Jali Na!?”

To make up for your misdemeanour, simply save this meme on your desktop or phone. Use it on any occasion – when our government does well, when our government makes a mistake, and when someone else makes the same mistake of thinking Atishi was a good candidate – and suddenly you’ll find yourself with very little opposition.

Careful what you read

Every time you share an article from the “Left-wing media,” the mainstream media, south Indian media, the north Indian media, you’re basically tattooing “librandu” on your face. Stop reading whiny op-eds about how the opposition failed us, or articles on the future of our democracy. Instead, focus all your attention on coming up with unique ways to defend Vivek Oberoi’s Freedom to Make Stupid Memes, or wondering why people like Swara Bhaskar don’t shut up already. This is an important lesson. Pick your idols wisely.

Any given person, at any given time, can only be one of two things – for the ruling party, or against the ruling party, aka against Indian culture.

Careful what you say

Put that wine and cheese down, buddy, no one has time for your AC-room hot takes.

Put a “chowkidar” before your name

It’s like an online get-out-of-jail free card. No “chowkidar” could ever be accused of being part of the liberal elite, even if they’re as politically informed as the average liberal elite. If you’re unsure of the spelling – because Hindi is hard – you could get away with just adding a couple of flags of India after your Twitter handle and WhatsApp name.

Make sure you don’t pull a Robert Vadra and put up the flag of Paraguay by accident. That’s quite a stupid way to draw attention to yourself.

Master the art of whataboutery

Say a member of the ruling party has made a mistake – something science-related perhaps, maybe he rubbished Darwin’s theory of evolution or said gomutra cures cancer. Instead of pointing out this error or laughing about it, be sensitive. Just because you are speaking on National Science Day, does not mean you understand everything science-y. Instead just find an instance of a Congress politician messing up in the past and put it in listicle form with the aforementioned “burnol” meme. Someone’s pointed out that democracy could do with a strong opposition? Ask them if they’re happier with the Saudi model of governance. Another person dared to talk about Sakshi Maharaj cursing someone on camera? Ask them what they thought about the communal riots in the ’70s and ’80s.  

Label everyone else Khan Market Gang

Pretty self-explanatory, this one. You can’t be in the “Khan Market Gang” if you accuse everyone else of being in the “Khan Market Gang”. But be careful while pointing fingers. Remember what this wise neta from Himachal once said.

Following these six steps is far from easy, especially when you think about the number of butthurt liberals out there to take on. We can’t promise that arguing for days on end online about how everyone did you wrong, is going to be the most exciting experience ever, but hey, at least this way you won’t come across as a brainless member of the elite who’s accepted money from Pakistan.

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