Inside Melania Trump’s India Diary: Can’t Wait to Order the Taj Mahal Mud Pack from Amazon

Satire

Inside Melania Trump’s India Diary: Can’t Wait to Order the Taj Mahal Mud Pack from Amazon

Illustration: Aishwarya Nayak

On Tuesday, February 25, 2020, a few torn pages were found on the tarmac of Delhi Airport. They are believed to have fallen from US First Lady Melania Trump’s personal diary, and are reproduced below as they were found.

Dear Diary,

What a trip it has been! I knew Dolan (that’s what I’m going to call him after the India visit) and I would get a warm welcome – look how the Indians in the US turned out to say, “Howdy Modi.” We were expecting millions and about a lakh turned up. Between you and me, diary, it wasn’t really that many, but Dolan thought it was and that’s what counts. He is bad at math and a packed stadium is enough to make him feel good about himself. Can’t even tell you the hissy fit he threw after unedited images of his inauguration were published.

Anyway, Dolan was excited to be in India and finally meet the only person who likes to give him hugs. When we went to see the Taj Mahal, we managed to get a rare picture of us both smiling. He was smiling because… duh it’s white. To be honest, I was more excited about learning a new mud mask recipe – if it keeps the Taj looking young, imagine what it could do for my face? Can’t wait to order it on Amazon. I just hope the photo-op will put rumours about our marriage to rest for a while.

Now that I have seen the Taj Mahal, I’m not sure if it is as romantic as people say. And just to put it out there, Dolan has already built a monument to our love – it’s called the Trump Tower. Also with all the hamburgers he ordered last year – of course no footballer was going to touch that – I’m pretty sure I will outlive him. He hates anything healthy. I loved how his face went from orange to pale when he was forced to eat a vegetarian diet these past few days. I was shocked to see him touch broccoli. Sure, it was wrapped in pastry and fried, but he spat it out as soon as he saw it was green inside (“Green is for money Mel, not for food!” he bawls, when he sees me eating salad.) It’s still more fibre than he has had in years, and I’m worried it will add a few more months to his lifespan.

Unlike him, I love my greens. I picked out my green sash specially for this trip, knowing it would cause a sensation. People love to comment on my amazing sense of style, although I’ve tried to tell them I really don’t care. I paired my sash with a chic white jumpsuit, a look that Ivanka naturally copied afterwards with her white sherwani. I don’t know why she tries to compete with me, it’s not like she was ever a famous model. Maybe Indians don’t know that much about fashion. Only few seemed to have noticed that I was actually showing off my green belt in karate?

After all, I’m the one who is a fan of their culture, especially Gandhi, that guy who’s on all the money.

I believe a woman should know how to defend herself (especially if they are around a pussy-grabbing President). But it looks like my karate homage went unnoticed for other reasons. Turns out India is quite far from China where karate actually originated. I did think I could at least have landed a part as a cool action star in a Bollywood film. I even tried out a bindi look at that school where I was meant to teach the children to be happy, but it didn’t go viral or anything. I don’t get the big deal about Michelle O’s koli dance. Maybe I should have plagiarised that as well.

Anyway I made Dolan say nice things about Bollywood, so I might be getting a few calls soon. Nepotism, I believe, is much more appreciated here than back home. Fingers crossed, diary!

On the other hand, Indians absolutely love Dolan. They went out of their way to prepare all his favourite things: a big wall, a yuge stadium, a massive violation of human rights in the capital. I do wish they took an interest in me too. After all, I’m the one who is a fan of their culture, especially Gandhi, that guy who’s on all the money. Turns out, he was so poor and humble, and yet all that cash belongs to him – really makes you think. Dolan has been putting his name and face on everything he owns for decades now, so you could say we have always held Gandhian values.

Our visit to the Gandhi museum was unforgettable. When we tried out Gandhi’s spinning wheel, I was overcome thinking of the great man making his own clothes from scratch. So chic! Rustic minimalism is really in right now. And all those marches – what a great workout regime to maintain his slim figure. Naturally, Dolan asked the tour guide why Gandhi didn’t just cruise around in a golf cart instead, but to me, he is truly an inspiration.

Of course I’ll be taking a lot of these wonderful lessons back home with me. Suddenly, I have an urge to explore my own spirituality and #BeBest at everything I do. That’s the magic of India, I guess. I must remember to pick up a book by Swami Vivek-a-moon-moon before I go.

Until tomorrow,

xoxo

Melania

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