Congress Wants to Hire Liverpool Manager Jurgen Klopp to Script Election Comeback

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Congress Wants to Hire Liverpool Manager Jurgen Klopp to Script Election Comeback

Illustration: Ahmed Sikander

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he Congress is reportedly in contact with Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp after the latter’s team made an impossible comeback against Spanish giants Barcelona in the second leg of the Champions League semi-final this week.

“The Congress party needs to script a comeback and I think Jurgen is the right man for the job,” RaGa said, in a statement on Friday. “In 2014, while Steven Gerrard slipped in the most important game of Liverpool’s season, the Congress also slipped to 44 seats. Then, when the transfer market opened, our best players left and moved to other teams for more money. We kept saying ‘next year will be our year’ but Modi ji kept winning elections. We need Klopp’s expertise to turn the fortunes of the Congress team!”

“The Congress party is in sync with the YNWA (You’ll Never Walk Alone) ethos of Liverpool football club. That’s why we are going into the general elections with a Mahagathbandhan. Like Liverpool, we don’t believe in a Messi, Ronaldo or Modi-type one-man show. The Congress party is a team,” said its social media head who was photo-shopping Jurgen Klopp on a poster with Rahul Gandhi, Sonia Gandhi, and Priyanka Gandhi.

When asked about the latest developments, a BJP leader said, “We all know why Klopp’s being hired. Liverpool’s best player is Mo Salah. This is clear-cut appeasement politics by the Congress, trying to appeal to the minority vote bank. We strongly condemn this kind of politics,” he said in an interview.

“Many of the teams I’ve joined in my career were shit in the start, whether it was Mainz, Dortmund or Liverpool. So the Congress party is perfect for me,” Klopp said. “I got a call saying the party was on the verge of relegation from Indian politics, and as you all know, I love a challenge. My main objective is to develop local, young players. Everyone here seems obsessed with the Gandhi parivar, the same way Liverpool fans used to be obsessed with Mario Balotelli. And we all know how that turned out,” he added, playing with a stress ball during the interview, hoping he doesn’t lose another final when they play Tottenham on June 2.

The German manager hopes to sign a three-year contract with the Congress party. His first order of business is reportedly to get rid of star striker Rahul G himself. This has already caused a stir in the dressing room. “I’m not here to appease anyone. I am here to win. And there’s only one way to win, by benching those who don’t perform,” Klopp said.

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