Breaking! CBI Says Mallya Fled in Honda City, Team Was Looking for Lamborghini

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Breaking! CBI Says Mallya Fled in Honda City, Team Was Looking for Lamborghini

Illustration: Akshita Monga

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Two years ago, Vijay Mallya was able to break the CBI’s net and escape from India with 56 bags of Pirelli calendars. Today the country’s top investigative agency announced that it has left no stone unturned in its mission to catch the poster boy of large-scale corruption, and released a report detailing the measures it had taken to bring the fugitive home.

The exclusive report was submitted to the Home Ministry in commemoration of Arnab Goswami’s millionth consecutive debate yelling about Mallya to Sambit Patra and Co. It outlines the steps that were put in place to capture Mallya in the months before he fled the country.

The night Mallya left, he was at the Kingfisher hideout, drinking a beer and watching his colleagues pack his bags for him. He proceeded to call the local packers-and-movers and asked them to drop him off at the airport in a Honda City along with his luggage. This was the first time he managed to outwit the CBI, which on page three of the report, admits it had trained all its men to scout the parking lots of the airports for Rolls Royces, Bentleys, Maybachs, and Lamborghinis.

“We never imagined that the King of Good Times, who would sit on a diamond commode, would take a Honda City to the airport,” the report reveals. “A lot of our effort went to waste.” The CBI also mentions on page four that a number of the schemes Mallya came up with to evade the CBI were lifted straight from Cartoon Network in the ’90s.

“Like Charles Sobhraj, and Jerry from Tom and Jerry, Mallya has played many tricks on us,” the report states. “Once, all our officials were working very hard and keeping a very close eye on a Kingfisher calendar photoshoot, but somehow Mallya managed to escape behind an RCB flag, while they were shooting the July spread.”

“If they can offer me a toilet as good as the one shown in Hirani’s Sanju, I will walk to the CBI office today,” he said.

Another chapter details how Mallya evaded arrest, in awkward style, from the Mumbai harbour. “Our officers spotted him getting on to his private yacht near the Gateway of India. We suspected that he was going to Goa to celebrate Christmas.”

“Immediately we dispatched two officials on Kawasaki STX-15F jet skis to intercept the yacht. Unfortunately a couple of Kingfisher plastic water bottles got stuck in the rudders, and we had to send a boat to rescue our team, while Mallya laughed into the sunset,” page 69 of the report details.

When reached for a comment, Vijay Mallya was playing Ludo with Nirav Modi. “If they can offer me a toilet as good as the one shown in Hirani’s Sanju, I will walk to the CBI office today,” he said.

Meanwhile, the Home Ministry has said that a senior minister will be sent to escort Mallya on his extradition date, December 10. The minister is planning to take him straight to Arnab’s studio where the verdict will be pronounced the same night.

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