Breaking: Varun Dhawan To Legally Change His Name to No. 1

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Breaking: Varun Dhawan To Legally Change His Name to No. 1

Illustration: Arati Gujar

Varun Dhawan has nearly finished the shoot of Coolie No. 1, a remake of a movie that doesn’t deserve one. The actor is still miffed that his frequent co-star Shraddha Kapoor refused to reprise the role her father Shakti Kapoor played in the original but more on that later.

We have confirmation that on seeing that Dhawan’s recent movies have not done well at the box office (and because the Ministry of Magic leaked his prophecy which declared that he has been brought to this planet to remake all of his father’s movies) – Varun Dhawan has officially changed his name to No. 1. Sources tell us that it is a strategic ploy, because this way, he will always be referred to as No. 1 even if films starring Ranbir Kapoor, Ranveer Singh, Rajkummar Rao, Ayushmann Khuranna, and Vicky Kaushal do much better at the box office.

Varun is headlining the remake of Coolie No. 1 along with Sara Ali Khan who has told reporters that she signed the movie only because her now murdered pet parrot used to sing “Tujhko Mirchi Lagi Toh Main Kya Karoon” every Tuesday.

That’s not all though, Varun truly believes that his new name No. 1 will help him make better career choices and we have to say, we’re already seeing good signs! Since his name change, the star of the underrated Nolan-esque masterpiece Dilwale has officially bought the rights to remake Inception, because why the hell not?

Coming back to Coolie No. 1, the music of this movie has been scored by Pritam and Tanishk Bagchi because clearly the Dhawans value originality over literally anything else.

Rumours are rife that for the Inception remake he has signed on the best director Bollywood has to offer – Milap Zaveri, the man applauded for his layered storytelling in films like Mastizaade and Kya Kool Hain Hum 3. Long forgotten, but still revered superstar Chandrachur Singh has been cast to play Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s role. Last heard, even the title of this remake has been changed to Inception No. 1 with a Nora Fatehi item number.

No. 1 Dhawan has been telling friends that he’s going down the Tanishk Bagchi route and remaking movies loved by millennials because they’re clearly not sad enough. His close friend, godfather and advisor Mimoh Chakraborty (who changed his name to Mahaakshay and was instrumental in helping Varun go transition into his) has advised him to make an Indian version of Mean Girls.

Varun No. 1 is very keen on this idea too. But there’s a slight change, the Student of the Year thespian just wants to make Mean Girls with an all-male starcast instead, because according to him, men don’t get enough representation in cinema. Mahaakshay agrees.

Coming back to Coolie No. 1, the music of this movie has been scored by Pritam and Tanishk Bagchi because clearly the Dhawans value originality over literally anything else. Sources tell us that Dhawan No. 1 feels very confident about this movie and his name, even if kids laugh at him for naming himself after urine. You know how kids are.

The grapevine however, has some other news. His fiancé Natasha Dalal, sources say, is rather disappointed that Varun didn’t change his name to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock. Being a FRIENDS fan, Natasha changed her name to Crapbag to be the perfect Mike to Varun’s Phoebe, but clearly there has been some miscommunication between the couple. We wish Varun No. 1 or No. 1 Dhawan or whatever he wants to call himself all the best. Dilwale was not like a Nolan movie, but we’re confident Coolie No. 1 will be!

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