Bran Stark Relinquishes Iron Throne After 4 Days; Says, Aayega Toh Modi Hi

Satire

Bran Stark Relinquishes Iron Throne After 4 Days; Says, Aayega Toh Modi Hi

Illustration: Ahmed Sikander

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n a baffling move, the newly crowned Leader of the Six Kingdoms (all hail the Queen in the North, Sansa!), Bran “the Broken” Stark, has decided to step down from the Iron Throne (or what’s left of it), citing that there is no way he can hold onto the throne as long as Narendra Modi is out there, making the rulers of Westeros look like followers of the Congress.

The youngest Stark has praised the Indian Prime Minister’s leadership and his ability to sway the masses. “I’m telling you, Modi Ji ending up on the Iron Throne is as inevitable as Brienne of Tarth thinking of Jaime Lannister while listening to “Cigarettes After Sex”. I have also seen visions where every child in the Seven Kingdoms is singing “Aayega Toh Modi Hi” instead of “Rains of Castamere.”

Predicting friendly relations between the BJP and his sister Sansa’s new regime in the North, Bran says, “See, Sansa loves me since I am her brother and she is bound to love Modi ji as well since he and I are technically the same person. We both have a vision and people always believe us. We must also remember that the reason I, the kid who spent a whole season basically just chillin’ and tripping on LSD, was looked at as a suitable candidate for the iron throne was because of two mad queens and my people’s delusional belief in fables. Similarly, Modi ji benefitted from a party chief who is a manchild. In both cases, the next best option to us was a man who knows nothing.”

Bran, sources tell us, is in touch with the higher-ups in the BJP and has also decided the Stark family’s ghar vapasi names, Branchandra, Sansarika and Aryavanti.

I have also seen visions where every child in the Seven Kingdoms are singing “Aayega Toh Modi Hi” instead of “Rains of Castamere.”

When asked if he is worried about facing opposition from the other houses on accepting a new ruler, he is quick to dismiss the possibility of an uprising. He says, ‘Arré, the gathbandhan is like the Red Keep and Modi Ji is the dragon fire that will bring them all down. Tyrion might choose to oppose this but seriously, who is going to listen to a former drunk who killed his dad and was indirectly the reason why both his siblings died? As for Samwell Tarly, if there’s one thing this past season has proven, it’s that writers know absolutely jack shit about what people want. Take care of your kid, Sam!”

In his wild jest at a prospective Modi reign in the Seven Kingdoms, Bran didn’t hold back from talking trash about his own kin. “Speaking of kids, Arya won’t be a problem since she’s busy wanderlusting West of Westeros. And as for Jon Snow, I’ve sent him to the Night’s Watch (LOL!), but if Modi ji graces Westeros on his annual world tour this time around, I promise to personally gift Jon and Ghost to Modi ji to use as bannermen for his party, as a gesture of goodwill from Westeros. I always thought Jon would look killer in orange and if you think about all the times he’s guarded the realm, Jon Snow is the OG Chowkidar. A perfect poster boy for the Modi government, Jon also has past experience in supporting leaders who don’t believe in being answerable to anyone.”

At this point, Podrick is ready to wheel Bran baba out to meet his subjects. And he leaves us with one of his classic Bran-liners, “We have defeated the Night King and winter isn’t coming. But Modi ji certainly is!”

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