Why India Needs Films Like PM Narendra Modi and Uri Now More than Ever

Satire

Why India Needs Films Like PM Narendra Modi and Uri Now More than Ever

Illustration: Akshita Monga

It’s been exactly a year since the Supreme Court passed an order saying it was not compulsory for the national anthem to be played in cinema halls before a film. What have been the consequences? Exactly what was predicted by true nationalists like Sambit Patra, Arnab Goswami, Baba Ramdev, and the raging fire animation on Republic TV – the country has been destroyed.

People don’t even want to live in India anymore: Look at Nirav Modi, Mehul Choksi, Vijay Mallya, and Nitin Sandesara. And like a typical NRI, the King of Good Times is now complaining that Indian jails are dirty. Only if he had been forced to say “Bharat Mata Ki Jai” as many times as he said “Oo La La La Le O” and stand up every time the national anthem played, do you think he’d have left? No way.

In the year since the order, there has been a rise in anti-nationals. Their cult has only multiplied and now we have Urban Naxals, a bigger threat to our nation than poverty and unemployment. First they said they want the choice to eat whatever they want and watch any film they like, then they said they don’t want to be forced to stand up for the national anthem, now they are saying they want privacy and gender equality. What next? Tomorrow they’ll demand that our netas ask people to stop going to Pakistan. No one said a word when the geometry teacher forced them to prove that LHS=RHS, but when patriots asked them to prove their patriotism, all hell broke loose.

When we look back, it was a bad year for Indian patriotism.

Today, when school children are asked to sing the national anthem, they ask, “Kaunsa? Saare Jahan Se Achha ya Vande Mataram?” And that is why students in Gujarat have been asked to answer roll calls with “Jai Hind” or “Jai Bharat”. Thank you Gujarat, for keeping patriotism alive.  

A situation like this would have been unfathomable two years ago, when it was compulsory to stand for the national anthem before watching Grand Masti, so that you could invoke a bit of desh bhakti before you applauded sexism, crass humour, and misogyny. Siachen par hamare jawan ladd rahe hai and here disabled people in wheelchairs couldn’t bear a bit of pain and stand for, what, 52 seconds?

When we look back, it was a bad year for Indian patriotism. If this continues, one wonders whether people will even remember the colours on our flag or who was our first Prime Minister a few years from now. Oh sorry, cancel that, we still can’t stop talking about Jawaharlal Nehru? But it makes me wonder what pushed the Supreme Court to revise its own order that made playing the national anthem before a movie mandatory in cinema halls? Who changes their mind to deliver a better judgement? How un-Indian of them!

However, all is not lost and there are still warriors out there fighting for a cause no one asked them to. Since playing the anthem is not compulsory, Best Actor in a Patriotic Role Akshay Kumar inserted one in the middle of his film Gold. Things are so bad that Patanjali has vowed to do some CSR: It will reportedly launch a new deodorant with which you can spray deshbhakti on the citizens of the country. Desperate times require desperate measures. Movies like Uri, Thackeray, Manikarnika, and PM Narendra Modi will instill much-needed patriotism among Indians.

I request all cinema halls to continue playing the national anthem (not that anyone listens to the SC these days, as we have seen with Sabarimala) and put a stop to this slaughter of India’s patriotic traditions.

Bolo Bharat Mata Ki Jai!

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