After Rafale Files Were Stolen, Ramdev Launches Patanjali Locks to Protect Important Documents

Satire

After Rafale Files Were Stolen, Ramdev Launches Patanjali Locks to Protect Important Documents

Illustration: Ahmed Sikander

No matter what the problem, Baba Ramdev has a solution. When Maggi was banned for poisoning children, the yoga guru launched his very own “healthier” Patanjali Atta Noodles. When petrol prices were threatening to cross the century mark, he remembered that he could manufacture fuel at one-third the market cost. Now, just days after the courts were informed that the Rafale files had been stolen by a few Urban Naxals, Baba Ramdev announced that he would create a line of Patanjali branded locks. This, the yoga baba believes, would go a long way in helping protect documents of national security, as well as making his next two to three-crore rupees.

“These made-in-India locks are so strong, even 10 Dayas couldn’t break them,” Ramdev said at the launch, referring to the famous policeman from CID. “Plus they are made with 100 per cent natural ayurvedic jadi butti… and lead…”

The locks have been designed by some of the finest engineers in India and have been given a certification by the Uttar Pradesh government.

Barely hours after the company’s launch, sources say, it had received its first order. “The defence ministry asked us to make six locks so that they can protect Rafale documents,” a spokesperson for Patanjali Locks™ said. “In addition, we are taking orders from other government agencies, and will customise our product according to their specific requirements.”

The locks have been designed by some of the finest engineers in India and have been given a certification by the Uttar Pradesh government. “Yogi ji has been using them for the last few years to hide all Ram Statue-related plans and his list of back-up city names,” the spokesperson said. “We consider them a success since the media has been unable to access either.”

At the launch, to show off his product, the company’s CEO Acharya Balkrishna invited pro-wrestler Sushil Kumar to come up on stage and try to break the lock. “Forget about breaking it, he won’t even be able to lift it off the crowd,” he told the thousands of people in attendance, while slipping Sushil Kumar a ₹500 note. To add to this, the locks are very low maintenance, he continued. “Just put two drops of Patanjali gomutra on the lock, and they work perfectly for a whole year.”

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