Founded by the criminal “godman” Swami Nithyananda probably last week, the new country of Kailaasa (pending UN approval) has finally opened its doors to the public, despite being in the works since around 200 BCE. Let’s find out more about this pure-veg party destination.

No one would have thought it was possible to topple current “Most Bizarre Statement” champion Nirmala Sitharaman, who had blamed millennials and their Ola obsession for the slowdown in the automobile industry. But the last few weeks sure have thrown up a number of worthy challengers.

I took the advice of our great netas, listened to the veena and munched on some carrots. I seem to have managed the impossible. The weather seems to be clearing up. Enough to locate my husband and daughter in our house, at least.

I was at the Bachchan Diwali bash, when a lehenga caught fire. Shah Rukh Khan yelled, “Main Hoon Naa”, but did Aishwarya Rai Bachchan save the day? We’ll never know. And this will remain one of Bollywood’s biggest mysteries, only after who killed the black buck.

By 2050 Mumbai is at risk of being submerged, a new study finds out. But Mumbaikars are optimistic. People who were once stuck in one BHKs in the suburbs will finally have that sea-facing home they dreamed about in Kanakia Undersea Paradise.

The Supreme Court has banned rockets and bombs this Diwali. Only “green crackers” that make no noise are allowed. How can they take the dhamaka out of Diwali? The world is just out there to destroy our great tradition of pollution.

Climate change is of great interest to me, ever since I top-scored in 10th grade environmental studies. So I support Greta Thunberg and her message, regardless of how often I leave the AC on, or how many fuel-guzzling cars I ride in.

“Howdy Modi” is historic for a number of reasons, the most important of which is that it’s introduced the world to the hottest bromance of our generation. Not since Jai and Veeru have we seen an on-screen friendship so likely to make the entire nation stand up and take notice.

The new ban on owning and selling e-cigarettes comes with a ₹1,00,000 fine and in some cases, a one-year prison term — pretty intense stuff for something that comes in a “buttered popcorn” flavour.

After Finance Minister Nirmala Sitharaman said millennials’ preference for Uber and Ola has contributed to the auto industry’s decline, it’s time the world sat up and took notice. Perhaps we do need to #BoycottMillennials, before they kill another valued facet of Indian society.

Dear Indians, looks like we need to rework our boycotting strategy. What happened to everything we’ve wanted to ban in the past? I can still Snapchat myself popping by the kirana for a packet of Surf Excel while a Zomato guy delivers my order.

The Bong-Oriya rivalry is as old as its “kalchar”. And now like the Bengali roshogulla, even the Odisha one has a GI tag. But if you think this means that the two will finally call truce, hold my plate of GI-tag approved Bengali roshogulla while I laugh hysterically.

Wake up every morning and tell yourself that you must put on an “unbelievable” performance. I can already hear the cynicism – and frankly lack of talent – in your voice: “Hey, if every performance is unbelievable, won’t every performance be believable?” Well, not exactly.

After the ₹200-crore double wedding of NRI businessmen Ajay and Atul Gupta’s sons, 4000 kg of garbage was left behind at Uttarakhand’s (formerly) picturesque Auli. That’s a power move — one that says, “I don’t have to give a shit about this planet, I have a first-class ticket on Elon Musk’s rocket to Mars.”

The life of a journalist in UP different from any other state. This is why UP needs to set up its own specialised journalist training school, one that teaches a different set of skills, such as how to react when a cop decides to turn you into a urinal.

Dear men, we know how much it hurts when women get undue benefits. And why do they even need it? Free rides are a violation of men’s rights. They are nothing but a conspiracy by Arvind Kejriwal to clamp down on every man’s right to make women feel unsafe in public spaces.

After Rahul Gandhi blamed Ashok Gehlot, Ashok Gehlot blamed Sachin Pilot, Mayawati blamed Akhilesh, and Akhilesh blamed Mayawati for the 2019 election loss, the Opposition has said the loser of the pass the parcel game will be held accountable. PM Modi to watch live-stream with a tub of popcorn.

Tired of watching young boys crying to Tere Naam songs, thousands of officers quit their jobs overnight. Donald Trump says people who watch JCB ki khudayi videos on YouTube are not welcome.

Game of Thrones dragons, Ekta Kapoor argues, are as ridiculous as the 13-year-old’s attempt at CGI she calls snakes. Jon Snow’s death and comeback are no different than a businessman falling off a cliff and walking into the house two episodes later with a small bandage on his head. Fair point you have there Ms Kapoor, it’s definitely something that needs to be addressed two weeks after the show has ended.

Bollywood was present in full force at PM Modi’s swearing-in ceremony, but not everyone was happy. Karan Johar, the country’s foremost nepotism rights activist, spoke to reporters about how the lack of star kids in the Union Cabinet offended him.

Dear first-time women MPs, what were you thinking while wearing same scandalous jean-pant and shirt to work? It’s a Parliament not a party. There are rules to be followed. You can’t be too dark or fat. And God bless you if you are a “thumke lagani wali”.

After Arun Jaitley wrote to the PM saying that he will not be part of the new government, Narendra Modi’s inbox has been flooded with emails asking “Job available hai kya? CV forward karu?” Subramanian Swamy has reportedly sent him a LinkedIn request.

Team behind viral JCB videos says the PMO should consider moving his ceremony if he doesn’t want to be embarrassed by the low turnout; Company’s CEO says he’ll now start charging people who hang around at excavation sites.

To further the maxim of “hum do, humare do,” Baba Ramdev says that the third child should not be given voting rights, or be allowed to enter politics. The All-India Coalition of Middle Children, who believe that they have always been neglected, are celebrating Ramdev’s words.

A vote for Narendra Modi is a vote for hate. But a vote for the Trinamool is not a vote for a dictatorial Didi. A vote for the Congress is not a vote for a riot-accused Kamal Nath. But every single vote for the BJP, regardless of the candidate or the rationale behind the vote, is a vote for Pragya Thakur.

Put that wine and cheese down, buddy. No one has time for your AC-room hot takes. If you want to be taken seriously, stop hating on terror-accused MPs and reading whiney op-eds about why we need a strong opposition.

After the EVM theory failed, non-BJP leaders say they have unveiled a bigger conspiracy. It is not the machines but the people of the country who have been hacked, they say.

Pointing out similarities between the Prime Minister and himself, Bran Stark says, “The next best option to us are men who know nothing.”

I remember the results from 2014 like it was yesterday. I had managed to get the Congress party its lowest tally in history at 44 seats. Passing marks were 35, but there’s no pleasing some people. Now after the 2019 exit polls, everyone is saying that I’m going to fail again and Modi ji is going to top the class, says RaGa.

If sources are to be believed, a number of TV channels are planning to broadcast the Indian election results from the moon. Word is, news anchors have already started preparing for their toughest performance yet.