Yoga guru Baba Ramdev claims that Patanjali Locks™ are so strong even CID’s Daya couldn’t break them. Defence ministry has ordered six locks to protect documents related to Rafale and other dubious deals.

Every year we set new records in academic excellence, with students scoring above 90 and even 99 per cent in their board examinations. Credit must be given to the boards which conduct them – and their generous approach to awarding marks.

Highly unreliable sources tell us that India is considering Pakistan Prime Minister’s suggestion to sit and talk. That is why Delhi plans to send a man to Islamabad who loves to talk – our beloved news anchor Arnab Goswami.

Realising that millennial lovers are hopelessly soft, the Bajrang Dal is offering counselling sessions on why Valentine’s Day is a greater threat to our country than chowmein and women with cell phones. Anti-love activists are busy convincing the youth that paintings of Mughal kings smelling flowers is proof that Rose Day is celebrated only by anti-nationals.

The only transport agency that Indians can rely on is the ISRO. Citizens in Mumbai, Delhi, and Bangalore have petitioned the organisation to launch passenger satellites to take commuters on high-traffic routes like Churchgate-Borivali.

Vijay Mallya has a list of demands from prison authorities at Mumbai’s Arthur Road jail. He wants a cell with a view and IPL cheerleaders to liven up the atmosphere. Like all famous prisoners, he wants to write a memoir – The Accidental Airline Company.

Dear PM, this election season it’s getting a little harder to protect you from the vicious librandus. This time I’m left looking like an idiot, stuttering some vague cow-related facts in response to every question.

Dear Piyush Goyal, all these years we have felt like the veg biryani at a Punjabi wedding – ignored. But the budget has changed that. Today might be a good day to ask the middle class, “How’s the josh?”

The accusation that the government has failed to create jobs is ludicrous. In Uttar Pradesh alone, thousands of new jobs have been created for gau rakshaks and members of the Anti-Romeo Squads.

Is Priyanka Gandhi, a practicing Buddhist, capable of taking on the job in Uttar Pradesh? She might go to election rallies and praise Narendra Modi and Amit Shah to the hilt, in her quest to speak truth at all times. There’s no way she can proclaim that Rahul Gandhi is the most qualified man to be India’s PM.