Riverdale: Where Happy Childhoods Go To Die

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Riverdale: Where Happy Childhoods Go To Die

Illustration: Shivali Devalkar

D

o you remember that scene in Archie‘s Pals ‘n’ Gals in which Betty Cooper calls Veronica Lodge a “shallow, toxic rich bitch who ruins everything in her path”? Or that issue in which Jughead ditches his crown for a beanie and his constant hunger for a MacBook? The reason you have no idea what I’m talking about, is because you haven’t seen what the creative director of Archie Comics, Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, has done to ruin our childhoods and make a “gritty reboot” of our beloved American love triangle comic book, called Riverdale, after he seemingly binge-watched the entire Pretty Little Liars series.

There can be no other explanation for why our beloved, harmless, and overall good-guy characters are entangled in a teenage murder mystery loaded with over-the-top fake intrigue. Featuring Archie Andrews as a struggling musician jock boy, Betty Cooper as a passive-aggressive bitch, and Jughead Jones as a serious hipster who doesn’t flit anywhere near a burger, the new Riverdale is now the place where happy childhoods go to die. Why else would they have the spindly, long-nosed Miss Grundy have sex with Archie, and raise some really awkward questions on statutory rape?

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