Who Won the Game of Thrones?

Times are changing in Westeros. Fast. The end of Season 6 spelled doom for Cersei and anyone else who dared stand in Daenerys’ way (shout out to Targaryen Jon) to her contentious claim to the Iron Throne. Three episodes in, Season 7 is going in classic Game of Thrones fashion – taking time to build expectations for the righteous but quickly setting them on fire.

Dragons are not invincible, Tyrion isn’t as smart as he thinks he is, and Cersei is far from the doormat Dany thought she would step over to win the game. The latest episode, “The Queen’s Justice”, saw Cersei give up her ancestral home of Casterly Rock for Lady Olenna’s Highgarden, which will now fuel the Lannister side of the war with its large gold chests and grain deposits. While Olenna joined the Dornish (slow RIP to Tyene) on the deathbed, Dany lost her Westerosi allies, her confidence, and – as the preview for Episode 4 shows – her patience. Drogon is on his way, but before we venture further, it’s time to decide who won this week’s battle in the war that is Game of Thrones. First, the contenders:

The Time Travellers
In this season of Thrones, ravens and people have been flying at the speed of light. Earlier, when travelling from The Wall, which is a stone’s throw from Winterfell, Bran took more than two episodes to get home. The same timeline applies for Arya, who still hasn’t reached Winterfell from a road somewhere near King’s Landing. Jon, on the contrary, takes only half an episode to reach Dragonstone, and Euron, the moustachio’d god from every pirate movie ever, just closes his eyes and, as a friend put it, applies apparition from the Harry Potter universe when he needs to move around.

This season, time is being bent for plot convenience. This is surprising for a show that built itself on logistics. Either this, or the bros filling reddit threads with “researched e=mc2 theories” have been right all along: Time travel is real, and the rest of us are stupid for riding Ubers.

Euron
Euron Greyjoy looked at the Game of Thrones landscape, lit a cigarette, and said, “Fuck this shit, I’m gonna rule.” In the last episode, he asked Jaime if Cersei likes a finger up her butt, told his niece Yara that he was hard, and gave Cersei the priceless gift of vengeance for her daughter Myrcella’s death.

Euron has no filters, is goal-oriented, theatrical, and gives very few fucks about things. He’s also risen to the rank of the Queen’s second-most-trusted lieutenant in just three episodes. What a legend.

Cersei

The current occupant of the Iron Throne isn’t as intimidating as her dad was, but Cersei goes from full-chill to bat-shit faster than anybody else on this show (shout out to the Sept of Baelor). In this episode, her aggression finally pays off. She gets Euron to deliver her vengeance, and gives Tyene the kiss of death by wearing lipstick full of exotic Dornish poison. She dominates conversation with a representative from the bank of Bravos, convincing him to declare his support for her in the war despite Dany having DRAGONS.

The Tarlys
Give it up for Sam Tarly for helping the immensely handsome Jorah Mormont (<3) with his greyscale, and earning the respect of the Archmaester of the Citadel. His asshole of a father, Randyll, also had a good week while knocking down the Tyrells in Highgarden. He is now “The Warden of the South”, not bad for an old, surly son-and-wildling hating piece of crap.

Tyrion

Lol. Just kidding. Dude has tacked on more failure than Abhishek Bachchan. Since killing his dad Tywin in the shitter, Tyrion’s famed diplomacy has failed in Meereen, and now stands to drop pretty much all Westorosi support for Dany. Tyrion has been losing. A lot.

And the winner is…

Cersei
In the war with Dany, Cersei has drawn first blood. She’s reduced Dany’s support to the Dothraki and Unsullied, has a special Qyburn-created weapon prepared for the precious Drogon, and has kept Euron’s big dick at bay by telling him that she’ll marry him after the war has been won.

In a week when she got revenge for her daughter, let her handmaid see that she fucked Jaime, and essentially levelled the playing field with Dany to set up a fiery second half of the season, Cersei is the Queen of Westeros and our hearts.