By Devaiah Bopanna Jan. 16, 2019
It took three years to charge sheet Kanhaiya Kumar and Umar Khalid, who’d organised a rally condemning the death of Afzal Guru – but only six months to charge sheet Afzal Guru. Get ready India, for a new form of terrorism, where militants enter our country strapped with polarising opinions and unleash them in a crowded market.
Look, we have to admit that Afzal Guru is a damn good terrorist. I know I know, don’t get me wrong, but I’m a fan of his work ethic. He was a thorough professional and took his job very seriously. Because he has succeeded in death what he supposedly set out to do while he was alive – divide this country.
It came to the fore three years ago when a college boy band headlined by Kanhaiya Kumar and Umar Khalid burst onto the scene with their number one smash hit “Aazadi” during a rally condemning the death of Afzal Guru. Apparently the tune was so catchy that it sparked off a Kiki challenge among some of the news channels. They started remixing their own version of the song by lip-syncing new lyrics over Kanhaiya and Khalid’s faces. The ruling party – known for their hatred of pop music – immediately got the cops to arrest Kanhaiya and Khalid over these videos. They were granted bail and the police began investigating the case to prepare a chargesheet.
Since 2016, Kanhaiya has been physically attacked on numerous occasions, and sonically attacked by Arnab and his panelist Major General GD Bakshi on live television. Bakshi would go so bat shit crazy, that at the end of every show he would have to pick up his eyeball from the floor and put it back in its socket because he kept shouting “tukde tukde” in all caps for an hour straight.
Umar Khalid was shot at by a gunman sometime last year. But I guess he escaped only because the shooter they employed leaned too much to the right as well. While all this was on, the police burnt the midnight oil preparing to file a chargesheet against the “tukde tukde” gang for carrying out the Azfal Guru rally.
Which eventually they did. Two days ago. After three fucking years.
Because even here an innocent man is being crucified for someone else’s supposed sins.
It’s shocking because the police took only six months to file a chargesheet against Afzal Guru for his role in the 2001 Parliament attacks. But it took them six times that time to figure out if Kanhaiya and gang were shouting pro-Afzal Guru slogans. What sort of efficiency is this? We spent more time, energy, and taxpayer money to nail people who shouted something about Afzal compared to the time spent on charging Afzal Guru for waging war against the country. Come on, guys, we’re sending out such a bad message to the terrorists. I can almost hear Hafiz Saeed telling his buddy “Bro, stop those bomb-making classes. Let’s start shouting classes from tomorrow. That hurts India more than anything else. They will investigate it for three years, and in the meanwhile, Arnab will trigger and market hate across the entire country and do our job for us. This is way cheaper.”
So, get ready India, for this new form of terrorism, where terrorists will come into our country strapped with polarising opinions and unleash them in a crowded market.
And if one were to think that enough resources hadn’t been wasted on this case already, then wait until you figure out that the charge sheet is freaking one thousand two hundred pages long! Ok, maybe you’re thinking I’m just overreacting here. Now what if I tell you that after three years of running around, those in the know claim that the cops haven’t managed to get any direct evidence of Kanhaiya shouting anti-national slogans. Like, not even a video. They claim to have eye witnesses and undoctored videos where Kanhaiya and gang are around people who are shouting the slogans. And it took 1,200 pages to tell this to the court. Karan Johar probably used just 50 pages to figure out and resolve the convoluted issue of “kuch kuch hota hai Rahul, tum nahin samjoge”. In about 1,000 pages, Tolkien built an entire parallel universe and set a high-fantasy epic in it. The Bible, however, is 1,200 pages long, and unfortunately, the similarity doesn’t end there. Because even here an innocent man is being crucified for someone else’s supposed sins.
I’d like to give the Special Cell of the Delhi police an easier option to frame Kanhaiya and Umar Khalid.
Actually, now I understand why there’s a such a huge backlog of cases piling up in the courts. Because 1,200 pages of how “somebody” was around “somebody” when they shouted “something” is not exactly a page-turner. With Netflix dropping a show every week, it becomes even harder to finish such a drab tome without getting distracted. All I’m saying is that, the cops have to be a little considerate. Look, we all know it’s mostly 1,200 pages of fiction, the narrative structure of which is being dictated by someone at the top. The cops ought to make it imaginative and creative to ensure it can be read faster. Maybe introduce a love story around page 234 that lasts until page 802.
The Accidental Prime Minister did not exactly set the box office on fire, so the BJP’s propaganda game isn’t going too strong at the moment. But that doesn’t mean they should go to such lengths to keep us distracted.
I’d like to give the Special Cell of the Delhi police an easier option to frame Kanhaiya and Umar Khalid. All you have to do is make them sit on a couch, keep a massive coffee hamper between them, and get Karan Johar to suggestively ask the question, “Have you ever rioted with your current partner while fantasising about an extremist?” Boom. This will literally be the only video you’d need to submit as evidence in your charge sheet – nothing but the most meticulous and efficient investigation for these insanely dangerous chaps who are a threat to our country.
Devaiah Bopanna is a Mumbai-based writer who writes bad jokes for a living using non-living things. Follow him on Facebook, Twitter (@devaiahPB), and Instagram (@devaiah.bopanna). But don't follow him on his way back home because he will find that very creepy.