Tumhara Kaam Kya Hai Basanti? Hema Malini, the “Acting” MP of Mathura


Tumhara Kaam Kya Hai Basanti? Hema Malini, the “Acting” MP of Mathura

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

As a spokesperson not appointed by Hema Malini, I’d like to express my anguish at the tsunami of jokes directed at my fair Basanti. I understand joblessness in India is at a 45-year high, but that doesn’t mean all of you wash your hands and start following her!

These days, I often hear her scream nahiiiiiiin, and I know she has just read a tweet mocking her earnest efforts to woo her constituency to re-elect her in the coming elections. Don’t you morons know, Mathura has always been Hema Ji’s Dharam? She has visited the city over 250 times in the last five years to do remarkable work for her constituents. And only a selfless and supremely humble soul like Hema Ji can do so much for Mathura and yet claim she Kent remember any of it.

Inhabitants of her constituency recall she spent most of her time resting in the guesthouse and are indebted to her for making them sunbathe for hours under the scorching sun while they waited for her. In 2016, when Mathura was experiencing serious turmoil, and scores of people died and got injured during clashes between police and squatters, Hema Malini, their beloved MP showed remarkable restraint by staying put in Mumbai.

Wah Hema Ji, wah, where are your charan?

Wah Hema Ji, wah, where are your charan?

And while I am fawning over her manicured charan, I’d like to add how much Ms Malini hates tom-tomming about the extraordinary transformation Mathura and surrounding areas have undergone with her as their MP, most of which has been invisible. In fact, her “divine connection” with the city has helped her retain its essence through her consistent non-efforts. The residents of Mathura, Gokul, Vrindavan and Govardhan (all part of her constituency) are grateful for the lack of proper drinking water and toilet facilities. They claim humming a number from an old Hema Malini movie doubles their joy as they get sick under the starlit skies.

Mathura wasis do love stars and this is just one of her modest efforts to ensure they get what they voted for. Humble Hema has not requested me to tell you that she could have become a chief minister anytime but since she didn’t have any time for it, she chose to become a mostly absentee MP instead.

Wah Hema Ji, wah, where are your charan?

Oh, they’re on fields, the umbrella protecting her delicate self from the relentless sun. I am toh convinced Madam ji is Vishnu – only in her case it’s her trusted umbrella and not Sheshanaag hovering over her head, letting her sing her own glories. Respected Ms Malini is here to cultivate… votes. Look how pretty she looks as she carries bundles of crops she didn’t harvest on her shoulders, braving contact with the unwashed masses who voted her to power.

You guys think it’s easy being an MP? Undertaking one tractor tour after an SUV sunroof tour? You think keeping up appearances is a “bed of roses”?   

The silly women on the fields have no idea who she is though. They think she’s an extra-terrestrial, because they saw her pop out from a flying object with blades on top. They look at each other and ask “Jadoo?” Hema Ji smiles beatifically and says, “milega, milega”. Once you vote me to power, you will not be able to see me.

Can I just say she puts even Houdini to shame? For five years her invisible presence got sewer lines built and solar lights erected that no one could see. This woman gives transparency a whole new meaning.

Her magical powers were at their peak at her public rally with Yogi Adityanath, where she made the entire audience disappear. And some of you had the audacity to suggest that no one turned up to hear her speak! Idiots.

So please, can you let Dream Girl focus on being a Drama Girl?

When I dared to ask what her mantra for success is, she smiled mysteriously, hemmed and hawed for a bit before finally parting with it. Why should Basanti dance for kuttas when she can make you dance to her tunes…

Wah Hema Ji, wah, where are your charan?