“Daddy Ji Ghar Pe Hai” : Teenage Hormones Taught Me the Art of Sneaking In

Love and Sex

“Daddy Ji Ghar Pe Hai” : Teenage Hormones Taught Me the Art of Sneaking In

Illustration: Ahmed Sikander

Like a lot of young people, junior college was when my friends and I discovered the joys of intimacy. Our group of hormonal teenagers swiftly paired up, sacrificing themselves at the altar of puppy love. As boisterous young ’uns, we’d also become immune to getting caught holding hands in class and being reprimanded for canoodling on campus. Then again, our “campus” was an unremarkable commercial building in the middle of a bustling suburb, just like every other educational institute in Mumbai.

Navigating our new love lives in this dearth of space also meant that we made the most of every shred of privacy we could manufacture. The bushes at Joggers’ Park were prized spots (though almost always occupied) as were dimly lit sheesha bars, backseats of friends’ cars, kaali-peelis, and even wobbly rickshaws. But getting it on in an empty house? That was like manna from heaven.  

I speak of a time before modern conveniences like OYOs and StayUncles, and trips to Manori or Manesar were few and far between (and always bore a tinge of sleaziness), your best bet was when the parents would occasionally head out for dinner or to the movies. Sadly, that was also an occurrence as rare as an Emraan Hashmi film without kissing. Would our love lives remain in the limbo of PDA for eternity? When Crime Master Gogo said, “Haath ko aaya, muh ko na laga,” was he really referring to our budding romances?

Yes he was. Until we learnt the art of the sneak-in.

For starters, you didn’t need a house – all you needed was a room. Enter, the greatest dating lesson I’ve ever learnt: the sneak-in. Making out at Bandstand felt like leftover bones when compared to the cavernous KFC bucket of intimacy that sneaking in could afford you.

If anything, the fear of getting caught only adds fuel to the already burning flame in your loins.

If you remember, the finest – although, chaste – depiction of the art form is in Karan Johar’s Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. In the film, Rahul sneaks into Tina’s room via a ladder perched against her bedroom window. Understably elated at the sight of her crush, Teena invites him in despite his tacky wardrobe and bizarre obsession with the “COOL” necklace. As the two blush and flirt on her bed, Tina’s dad yells out from the living room sending the lovers into panic mode. Obviously, since this is a Bollywood film, our homeboy ends up making a smooth exit in the nick of time.

When I first watched the film as a six-year-old, the scene neve resonated with me. But years later, with our raging hormones for company, my friends and I acquired newfound respect for Rahul’s temerity. We understood then that sneaking into your girlfriend’s room in the middle of the night may not always require a ladder, a C-O-O-L necklace or even enough hair gel to drown a small animal, but it’ll always require industrial-size gonads. It’s why entire WikiHow Pages  are dedicated to guiding lovestruck youths about how to perfect the art of sneaking in without getting caught.

Sneaking in is not for the faint of heart as it necessitates channelling a host of skills: A generous amount of logical reasoning while figuring out the entry path through a living room you’ve never been in before. Tip-toeing like a ballerina in the dark while simultaneously trying to avoid stepping on anything that causes a commotion. Sweet-talking, bribing, and networking with various society watchmen so that they’d accept being silent spectators – and most importantly, not getting caught. It’s essentially the peak of multitasking and the relationship base that doesn’t get talked about enough.

It’s no wonder then, that this art form has always been high-risk, high-reward. On one hand, the prospect of being in your partner’s bedroom late at night can be pretty invigorating. If anything, the fear of getting caught only adds fuel to the already burning flame in your loins. On the other hand, depending on whether your parents are KJO cool or Sairat savage, consequences for getting caught can range from being disowned to being disembowelled.

But despite the risks, there are few adventure sports that can match up to the adrenaline rush of covertly texting your girlfriend, “Outside ur door babie” at 1 am.

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