By Aditya Bhalla Jan. 23, 2018
Going by the stories I hear, I'd imagine the world is having more sex than two hamsters with an average life expectancy of seven days. How do they find the time?
What’s your idea of a great night? I once spent three hours listening to a semi-balding man talk about how he was planning to cheat on his way-too-attractive girlfriend with a 19-year-old girl he had just swiped past on Tinder. With little shame and a huge swig of his light beer, he proceeded to list all the things he was going to do to his new muse, including the various positions they would try out, and the frequency with which he would “smash” over a 48-hour period. He used cups and ashtrays lying around the table for reference. The conversation lasted the next three rounds of drinks, and was hyped with high-fives and affirmation by the four nodding heads that sat around him.
As the night continued, our half-crown realised that he might have gone too far listing Kama Sutra positions, and added several disclaimers about his sexual proclivity. “You know it’s hard when you’re in a relationship… I miss being with new people.” At that point it became evident that the total number of times he had “picked up a girl” for a “one-night stand” is equivalent to the number of matches he had on Tinder at that moment – zero. Still, he felt pressured by his surroundings (a group of four involuntarily single guys) to talk about sex like it was the first activity he mastered straight out of the womb (when he was a semi-bald baby).
This bro, let’s call him Bablu Stinson as homage to his ideological leader Barney Stinson, assumed that the rest of the table, to put it politely, was really stupid. But the people around the table – we’d known him a while – had never seen him even look a chick in the eye, let alone charm her into getting intimate with him. Still we endured through his extempore presentation on the correct way to orally pleasure a woman. Clearly, our Bablu is no introvert, but the way he spoke about his “adventures” was possibly the most damning critique of our country’s sex-education process.
As Bablu got closer to asking people to smell his finger for proof, I wondered, do people really have as much sex as they claim to? Going by most of the stories randomly thrown about at social gatherings, I imagine the world is having sex with each other faster than two hamsters with the average life expectancy of seven days. How does everyone find the time to first have an unnatural amount of sex, and then an unnatural amount of time to talk about it? If the world is consumed by sex thoughts, who is going to find a cure for cancer?
"Within this larger circle of Bablus you can always find a few people who have no idea of how intimacy works, but have watched enough porn to know where everything goes."
Sometime during the turn of the millennium, we seem to have decided that “shallow sexual encounters” are the future of the human race, so we brought Tinder along, and the Bablus of the world were finally given a drug of their choice. They no longer actually have to leave their house to pretend that they were having sex; they can merely pretend to be on their cellphones at home. (The wild swiping combined with the motion of pleasuring themselves usually gives these people highly developed forearms, so that’s a possible identifier). This group will soon begin to mistake sex with ordering from fast-food chains. “I think I’ll have some fried chicken, and two blow jobs, please. No chest hair, haan.”
Within this larger circle of Bablus you can always find a few people who have no idea of how intimacy works, but have watched enough porn to know where everything goes. These people talk about sex toys and assholes and flexibility like a Nicki Minaj lyric, making it pretty evident that they haven’t hugged a person of the opposite sex for years. Saturday evenings are mostly spent pouring doodh on Hanuman and Sundays are spent listening to songs from Deepika Padukone’s Cocktail. In the meanwhile, they sleep. Alone.
It’s understandable that some people grow up with this pressure of being a beast in bed. It isn’t easy growing up around such sexual machismo, Barney Stinson-esque male figures, gratuitous sex scenes and all. In all of this, the most uncool thing you can be is the guy who stands up and says, “I only cuddle dude.” But it’s surprising that that’s the case when sex is such a normal, boring activity? Everyone from your dog to dolphins to a homeless person in China has sex, so get over it. Imagine a group of male mammoths sitting around a table and discussing how to get a female mammoth into bed. So one of them puts on a tight vest, brushes up on his shitty music lyrics, and goes to the bar. Now wouldn’t that be weird?