{"id":6031,"date":"2016-07-25T06:20:15","date_gmt":"2016-07-25T00:50:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=6031"},"modified":"2016-07-25T06:20:15","modified_gmt":"2016-07-25T00:50:15","slug":"its-exhausting-to-be-an-ambitious-woman-there-i-said-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/?p=6031","title":{"rendered":"It\u2019s Exhausting to Be an Ambitious Woman. There I Said It"},"content":{"rendered":"\nI<\/span> sat across from my colleague<\/a> holding my drink as tight as possible. Afraid I would break the glass, I put it down, and shook my head saying, \u201cOf course, he gets paid more than me. I am not surprised. He\u2019s senior.\u201d\n\n\u201cBut it still bothers me,\u201d my colleague said. \u201cYou work thrice as hard.\u201d\n\nI did. In two years less than my senior<\/a>, I was at the same level but paid only half as much. But what stung more than the knowledge was my hesitation and nervousness in asking for what was due to me. He\u2019d asked for more, I hadn\u2019t. That must be my fault, right?\n\nI stayed up all night and then decided to ask for more. Later, the whole thought made me feel like it was my fault to have said anything at all. A lot of rhetoric was thrown in the air about how this was \u201copen for discussion\u201d and I could \u201cdefinitely ask for more money<\/a>\u201d. But I left feeling like I was wrong.\n\nAnd very, very tired.\n\nHow many of us spend hours tossing and turning in bed because we\u2019re second-guessing our worth at work? Or wondering if we\u2019re coming on too strong when we\u2019re asking for leave? Have you had someone double check your emails<\/a> at work to make sure you\u2019re not wording something too strongly? Do you neutralise instructions with smiley faces and \u201cI just think it might be better if\u2026\u201d?\n\nGo back to the time someone first made you question why being the best or wanting to be the best was a problem. I know I remember.\n\n

I\u2019ve watched female colleagues pass on suggestions through male colleagues just to be heard.<\/p><\/blockquote> \n\nThe room was cold, yet comforting, as all English classes were for me. We stared at the poem meant to be learnt \u201cby heart\u201d. I looked toward my teacher, ready. That\u2019s the thing about being eight. You have the confidence of being able to do anything you really want to do because no one has dared say no yet or made you question your self worth. No one has questioned your ambition<\/a>.\n\nI went to the front of the class and recited the poem, without glancing at the book even once. I made eye contact with every member of my small audience, just like I\u2019d seen good performers do on stage. When I was done, my teacher<\/a> told the class, \u201cTHIS is how I want everyone to recite poems. Very well done, Sonia.\u201d\n\nI thought this was just paving my way to being the Miss Universe I always wanted to be. But things did not exactly pan out that way \u2013 I could barely make Miss Congeniality. Classmates I called friends started bullying me because the teachers loved me. I remained \u201cfriends\u201d with my bullies<\/a>, but I couldn\u2019t help but shrink a little on the inside. We all have an inherent need to be loved and I thought I had to be less than myself to be loved.\n\nOnly two months later, I won the first prize at a recitation competition in school. But my face on stage resembled McKayla Maroney winning a Silver Olympics medal. My mother<\/a> asked, \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you look happy?\u201d I squirmed in my seat, and mumbled, \u201cI don\u2019t know, Mom.\u201d\n\nBut I did. I was afraid I\u2019d be even less popular, that I must have to diminish myself to be liked.\n\nThroughout school, I was called competitive because I liked winning. I was called loud because I wanted to express myself. I was called intimidating because I could command a room. The Indian education system<\/a> is a stifling one to begin with, and our culture propagates a general disdain for girls with opinions or minds of their own. Boys asking questions are insightful; girls asking questions are disruptors. Boys standing up for themselves are brave; girls standing up for themselves are unruly.\n\nIn some ways, we never outgrow the school playground. The standards continue to be different.\n\nAt my first job as a reporter, my boss<\/a> asked me to attend work every single day, while male colleagues were allowed to be out and reporting. Men who were hired with me at the same time just asked for more money and got what they asked for. What was stopping me?\n\n

\u201cDid I settle?\u201d plays on loop in my head and infuriates me. And now I am just angry. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n\nNow, at the age of 26, I think I\u2019m a little better off than that. But even today, I struggle to speak up for myself when men hijack conversations in brainstorm meetings. I watch men discuss data while the women are asked to chime in when the conversation veers toward \u201cempathy<\/a>\u201d and \u201csentiment\u201d. I\u2019ve watched female colleagues pass on suggestions through male colleagues just to be heard.\n\nI ask for work. I ask to be seen. Women always have to. I have to sometimes watch work slip from my hands and handed to men in front of me and then get asked, \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you working harder?\u201d I ask, I ask, I ask, until I can\u2019t anymore. I cry to myself in bathrooms<\/a>, hold my own in meeting rooms, and yet, I worry. Am I good enough? Am I not doing enough? Am I not asking for my due? Am I asking for too much?\n\nAs all ambitious women probably are, I am frankly\u2026 exhausted.\n\nA lot of perfectly wonderful women around me walk around feeling like impostors in their own skin because the world is constantly questioning our beliefs, our desires, our talents, and our confidence. It begins at home: At 21, when I decided to start investing the money I was earning, my accountant<\/a> asked, \u201cItni savings kyun karni hai? In the next five years, waise bhi shaadi hi toh karni hai.\u201d My father, who raised a feminist daughter has often told me, \u201cWhy do you want to buy a house of your own?\u201d taking the wind out of my ambition.\n\nA lot of us don\u2019t even have the privilege of that ambition. Being a woman who knows what she wants and asks for it is like resisting hydraulic presses pushing into you from all sides. Growing up, we\u2019re given a roadmap to follow. College, some job that gives us a sense of stability so we can add it to our CVs that we upload to matrimonial websites. Then comes marriage<\/a>, kids, death.\n\nBetween pleasing ourselves and the people around us, we lose sense of who we want to be. I crushed my competitive side to come across as less aggressive and more agreeable. I smiled more when asked to. I controlled my temper because my anger was considered invalid. I conform, but at the cost of being unhappy with myself.\n\n\u201cDid I settle?\u201d plays on loop in my head and infuriates me. And now I am just angry. Angry that I wasn\u2019t told to stand up for myself more. Angry that I have to work thrice as much for half the pay, because it mattered to me to be perfect. Angry that I have been made to feel like a stranger in my own mind when I express this anger.\n\n

You\u2019re good enough. You\u2019re more. And if anyone tells you otherwise, they\u2019re wrong.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\nBut there is one thing that keeps me going \u2013 the women around me who push me and whom I push in return to be better than I am. If so many of us feel this way, maybe we need to take up for each other.\n\nI encouraged a colleague to quit because she was being paid less than a male counterpart. I told my mom to go ahead and save her money for diamonds. I told her to do her MA at the age of 50. I told my best friend<\/a> to go back and ask for more money at a new job.\n\nAnd often, they have returned the favour. My mother insisted that I stand my ground in a room with bosses who try to put me down. My female friends held my hand as I wept to them about fighting my own doubts.\n\nMaybe that\u2019s what our schools and workplaces need so desperately. This sisterhood<\/a> which we reserve for our friends needs to extend to the boardroom. We need more women who support the ambitions of other women, before it wears all of us down.\n\nOften, I go back to that recitation competition in my mind and ask myself if that\u2019s the moment that could have changed the way I feel now. I realise that this is what I wish I had heard then (and maybe you need to hear it too):\n\n\u201cYou worked hard. You stayed up way past your bedtime to learn to recite a poem to the best of your abilities and you were better than everyone else who performed. If anyone ever tells you that you don\u2019t deserve something you have earned through sheer hard work, do not listen to them. You\u2019re good enough. You\u2019re more. And if anyone tells you otherwise, they\u2019re wrong. Never be ashamed of a well-deserved win. Enjoy it.\u201d\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Between pleasing ourselves and the people around us, we women lose sense of our ambitions. I crushed my competitive side to come across as less aggressive and more agreeable. I smiled more when asked to. I conform, but then I keep asking myself, \u201cDid I settle?\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t I deserve more?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":387,"featured_media":6032,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[170],"tags":[9969,1162,4670,9970,4729],"class_list":["post-6031","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gender","tag-ambitions","tag-anxiety","tag-feminist","tag-working-women","tag-workplace"],"yoast_head":"\nIt\u2019s Exhausting to Be an Ambitious Woman. There I Said It<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Between pleasing ourselves and the people around us, we women lose sense of our ambitions. 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