{"id":3205,"date":"2016-05-11T04:04:57","date_gmt":"2016-05-10T22:34:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=3205"},"modified":"2016-05-11T04:04:57","modified_gmt":"2016-05-10T22:34:57","slug":"depression-happiness-relationships-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/?p=3205","title":{"rendered":"I am Depressed But my Partner is Happy. I Hate Him For It"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

T<\/span><\/p><\/div>

he first person in a relationship who said, \u201cI\u2019m happy if you\u2019re happy,\u201d was the biggest dipshit on this planet. <\/span>Happiness<\/span><\/a> and contentment \u2013 these feelings are a given in any healthy relationship, but living with depression taught me they\u2019re also the hardest to feel.<\/span>\n\nLook, I\u2019m all up for other people being happy. Most of the time. And if I\u2019m being really honest, I mean just the select few that I can tolerate. If my friend is getting married and she\u2019s <\/span>happy<\/span><\/a>, awesome! If someone aced an exam, maybe an audition, I\u2019ll be like, good on you. But that kind of happiness just exists on the surface. It\u2019s an \u201cI\u2019ll give you a big hug and a smile and text you \u2018OMG I CAN\u2019T BELIEVE IT!!!\u2019 with 20 emoji\u201d kind of happiness. <\/span>\n\nIt\u2019s quick happiness, which comes and goes. It\u2019s not real happiness. <\/span>\n\nThere have been times when I\u2019ve <\/span>pretended<\/span><\/i> to be happy for another person, like when my best friend got the role I wanted in the <\/span>school<\/span><\/a> annual play. I was devastated, but the first thing that I did was hug her, and tell her how proud I was of her. That\u2019s when I understood how the runners-up of the Miss Universe crown must feel. <\/span>\n\nIs this jealousy? Sure it is. Is it <\/span>insecurity<\/span><\/a>? Most definitely. But isn\u2019t it true that happy people are somehow always secure about themselves, and their surroundings? What happens when depression complicates any sense of well being one might have? <\/span>\n\nI\u2019ve chased happiness ever since I was a child \u2013 and I\u2019ve failed miserably all along. I try. I hold on to and pin down anything in my world with the slightest hope that it will pull me out of my misery like I\u2019m desperately trying to win a <\/span>wrestling match<\/span><\/a>. But that\u2019s all it ever is. A wrestling match where happiness is The Undertaker, and there\u2019s no way in hell you\u2019re holding him down. <\/span>\n\n

A depressed person dating another who isn\u2019t going through the same thing can lead to heartbreak. The mental graphs simply don\u2019t match.<\/p><\/blockquote> \n\nNow imagine being in a relationship where your partner\u2019s happiness is a constant reminder that they have something that you don\u2019t. When you have to wake up every day and be in the presence of genuine happiness, there are two ways that this could go. Either you could get inspired by your <\/span>partner<\/span><\/a> and try to walk down the same path. Or you could start hating on them. It\u2019s nobody\u2019s fault, it\u2019s just human nature. <\/span>\n\nHow can you hate someone when you <\/span>love<\/span><\/a> them? It\u2019s a conflict of interest, right? Well, it doesn\u2019t work like that. The love is a 24\/7 thing, whereas the hate springs forth in spurts. <\/span>\n\nMy partner has always, always been a happy person. Once, he was going through a super busy phase at work: 16 hours of non-stop slogging, late nights, zero sleep. He had no time to rest, let alone have a social life. During one of those super busy days, he happened to have a little bit of free time. And by free time, I mean an hour in between transit from one meeting to another. You know what he did? He grabbed a cup of his <\/span>favourite coffee<\/span><\/a>, and went and sat next to the ocean for that hour.<\/span>\n\nWhen he rang me, I could hear that joy in his voice, and it was so, <\/span>so <\/span><\/i>real. And you know what I wanted to do? I wanted to reach out through the phone, and punch him in the face. Because his ability to feel <\/span>contentment<\/span><\/a> over such a small, <\/span>mundane<\/span><\/i> thing was driving me crazy. I could never do that! I could never drink coffee and smell the breeze and be like, \u201cWow. I\u2019m so lucky to be alive.\u201d Not even if the coffee were from Blue Tokai and the sea smelt nice. Of course, I love him, so I tried my level best to be happy <\/span>for<\/span><\/i> him. However in that moment, while listening to his unadulterated joy, I felt like I detested him. <\/span>\n\nA depressed person <\/span>dating<\/span><\/a> another who isn\u2019t going through the same thing can lead to heartbreak. The mental graphs simply don\u2019t match. They\u2019re looking to soar into the skies while you\u2019re trying to barely stay afloat in the water. Those with mental health problems are just as capable of doing what they want, but most of the times our mind is playing tricks on us. It convinces us that we\u2019re not worth much, just like it convinces us that we won\u2019t and can\u2019t be happy. So we\u2019re not. <\/span>\n\nI\u2019ve often considered what it would be like if my partner and I were <\/span>committed<\/span><\/a> for the long haul. Would I spend my entire life resenting him? Feeling inadequate and incapable of feeling what he is feeling? I always fear the spurts of hate, for what if they turn into something stronger and more lasting? I know for a fact that it could ruin us. <\/span>\n\nFor now, I think, we\u2019re OK. <\/span>\n\nI can safely say that I have a harder time dealing with his happiness than he has dealing with my <\/span>depression<\/span><\/a>. I sound like a total prick, don\u2019t I? I am. I agree. But don\u2019t be fooled. I have never wished him less joy. I just wish I could have more of it. For now, I just have to try my best and hope that some of his positivity rubs off on me, and helps pull me out of this mess. <\/span>\n\nUntil then, I\u2019m sitting tight, and making every effort to feel happy\u2026 one wrestling match at a time.<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m in a relationship where my partner\u2019s happiness is a constant reminder that they have something that I don\u2019t. There are two ways this could go: Either I can feel inspired, and try to walk down the same path. Or I can start hating him for it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":221,"featured_media":3206,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[779],"tags":[559,562,6244,224,228,22,6178],"class_list":["post-3205","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health","tag-depression","tag-happiness","tag-happy","tag-love","tag-relationship","tag-relationships","tag-sad"],"yoast_head":"\nI am Depressed But my Partner is Happy. I Hate Him For It<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I\u2019m in a relationship where my partner\u2019s happiness is a constant reminder that they have something that I don\u2019t. 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