{"id":146,"date":"2016-07-13T17:09:46","date_gmt":"2016-07-13T17:09:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=146"},"modified":"2016-07-13T17:09:46","modified_gmt":"2016-07-13T17:09:46","slug":"notes-from-my-suicide-world-suicide-prevention-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/?p=146","title":{"rendered":"Notes from My Suicide"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

O<\/span><\/p><\/div>

ver the years, I have accumulated a small, and I\u2019d like to think, a well-written, pile of suicide notes.\n<\/span><\/i>I\u2019m always loath to throw away something I might need one day.\n<\/span><\/i>It\u2019s okay to laugh; I\u2019m still here.\n<\/span><\/i>I\u2019m as much a fuck-up at suicide as at everything else.\n<\/span><\/i>Turns out, it\u2019s damn-near impossible to drown yourself in the ocean if you hate getting your hair wet.\n<\/span><\/i>Also, leather takes three weeks to dry completely.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u2013 <\/span>Loren Kraut, Stand-up Comedian, San Francisco<\/strong><\/p>\nFirst, I made a shopping list:\n\n1. Pills (What kind? I\u2019ve vaguely heard of Valium in Hollywood movies.)\n2. Razor (Do they even sell those anymore? Gillette has a four-blade, but now they\u2019re disposables and the blades don\u2019t come out.)\n3. Knife (Have a small one at home. I have no idea when I sharpened it last.)\n4. Rat poison (I\u2019ve preferred taking pills to liquid. Something about taste. But maybe I should get it\u2026 just as a backup.)\n5. Don\u2019t want to hang myself from a fan. The mechanics of it befuddle me. I don\u2019t even think it will hold my weight. What if I crash to the floor and my mum says, \u201cKya hua?\u201d\n6. Can\u2019t jump off a cliff. No cliffs here.\n7. Can\u2019t jump in front of a train or a car. Our traffic goes at 5-15 kmph anyway. The manoeuvrability of Delhi drivers is legendary.\n\nI started walking to the chemist, scanning the ground to see if I could find half a razor blade. If it\u2019s rusted, even better. If the cut doesn\u2019t kill me, the tetanus will. I hate injections anyway. I can\u2019t order the rat poison and the razor blade (the kind that comes out, you know) at the same time. The guy might get suspicious. \u201c<\/span>Dono kyun chahiye<\/span>? <\/span>Shave bhi karna hai, chuha bhi marna hai<\/span>?\u201d <\/span>\n\nWhat if he gives me Gillette? <\/span>Nahin <\/span>uncle<\/span>, <\/span><\/i>non-disposable chahiye<\/span>. It\u2019s not the razor I want to dispose of. It\u2019s me I need to dispose of. \u00a0So, I walk to another chemist. Can\u2019t tell him I need pills. \u201cWhat kind?\u201d he will ask. <\/span>The kind to kill yourself with<\/span><\/i>.<\/span>\n

I want to kill myself, not hurt myself. Surely there\u2019s a way to do one without the other?<\/blockquote>\nThe search \u201cHow to kill yourself\u201d on Google throws up carbon monoxide poisoning. Yeah, right. Google, usually Mr Know-it-all, doesn\u2019t know that we don\u2019t have garages in India. If I start up my car somewhere indoors there will be 15 neighbours rushing in, yelling, \u201c<\/span>Paagal hai kya? Hum sab ko maaregi kya<\/span>?\u201d Like this city needs more pollution. Maybe I should just go stand on MG Road for a day. That should do it.<\/span>\n\nSo I go with the knife. I pick up to test its edge. I\u2019ll do it gently. Ok, I am a wuss around pain. I want to kill myself, not hurt myself. Surely there\u2019s a way to do one without the other? I don\u2019t want to die <\/span>and<\/span><\/i> cry through it. Elegance is what I\u2019m aiming for. Also, I don\u2019t trust myself not to rush out like a crazy person and beg bystanders to stop the bleeding. Or worse, before that I\u2019ll pass out from the sight of blood anyway. I know what you\u2019re thinking\u2026 being a woman, she should be used to blood. But screw you, I\u2019m not. And the blood problem pretty much rules out flinging myself from a building too. Apart from the sheer inelegance of the splat… all that mess and brain matter. I would just die of disgust. And on principle, I believe you should never die doing something you love, and I kinda love heights.<\/span>\n\nI brace myself, put the knife to my wrist and make a slicing movement. This is much harder than I thought. You know, front-and-back motion is easier than side-to-side. These knives aren\u2019t really meant for suicide. Isn\u2019t there like a niche market or something? Like, make a right-angled handle, I don\u2019t know. I suddenly have an urge to have jalebi. Focus, I tell myself sternly. I try harder. At least I pierced skin that time. It really hurts. As the blood spurts, I black out.\n\nI wake to a sharp pain in my wrist, and blood crud caked all over it. There is a small pool of blood under my hand. I knew it! Damn it! Why don\u2019t I ever listen to myself?\n\nA giant-sized kung fu panda floats out at me through my dizziness. \u201cYou suck the most in the history of China. In the history of sucking,\u201d he says. I\u2019m sure he means India, doesn\u2019t he?\n\nI close my eyes. I wonder if I can go buy a T-shirt that says \u201cI\u2019m with loser\u201d with a finger pointing to myself. Tomorrow is another day. I\u2019ll dig out some more research. But first, I really wanna get that T-shirt.\n\nVasu Primlani is a somatic therapist and a stand-up comedian. This article is a fictional empathetic conjecture on what the motions of suicide must feel like.<\/span><\/i>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hung up on killing yourself? Here\u2019s how not to do it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":31,"featured_media":147,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[25],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-146","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-people"],"yoast_head":"\nNotes from My Suicide<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Hung up on killing yourself? Here\u2019s how not to do it.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/?p=146\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Notes from My Suicide\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Hung up on killing yourself? 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