By Arré Bench Jun. 18, 2019
English cricketer Ben Stokes consults famous numerologist and spiritual adviser on Twitter before officially changing his name to Mather Jones. Sources predict this isn’t going to go well.
n the last couple of weeks, cricketer Ben Stokes has been tagged in thousands of posts from Indian social media users making fun of his name. Apparently, when Indian captain Virat Kohli yells out a certain profanity that starts with “Bh” and ends with “enchod”, it looks a lot like he’s calling out to the English cricketer.
Tired of hearing a thousand variations of the same joke, Stokes announced on Wednesday that he was considering changing his name altogether. “I consulted an astrologist/numerologist who reached out to me on Twitter,” the cricketer formerly known as Ben Stokes said. “After going through various iterations of my old name, such as Bennn Stokes, and Bbben Stokes, we decided to take a completely fresh approach. I will now officially change my name to Mather Jones, to avoid accidentally sounding like an Indian swear word.”
“The first name, Mather is a tribute to my great granduncle, who was incidentally the first person to demand “teen guna lagaan” from an Indian farmer. I picked the last name, Jones from a brand of chips my childhood crush would eat,” Jones added. “My new friend, the Indian numerologist has confirmed that this name won’t create any issues for me in the future.”
We reached out to the numerologist and spiritual adviser, “Aaadityaa (hwzthe) Jooooshiii”, who has a Virat Kolhi poster on his wall, for comment. “I’m a simple man,” Jooooshiii said. “I see a foreigner, I teach them a new Hindi swear word. Ben Stokes ji liked the first word I taught him, and decided that would be his new name. Who am I to argue with Jupiter’s decision?”
The ICC, meanwhile is not too pleased with this recent development, as this means they’ll actually have to do some work now.
India’s captain and instigator of this name change, Virat Kolhi, sent us an emailed statement with his views. We’ve censored the following quote for our younger readers. “Kya!? &!@# !@&*!# best banda hai @!&^@& changed his name? @!^&@^& having fun… having fun…”
The ICC, meanwhile is not too pleased with this recent development, as this means they’ll actually have to do some work now. “First we had to spend almost two weeks arguing about whether Dhoni could wear an army glove or not, now cricketers are changing their names to swear words… I wish India would just hurry up and win already so we can all go home,” an official statement put out by the board read.