“I’ll Be First to Like Your Insta Posts”, and Other Updated Wedding Vows for the Modern Couple

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“I’ll Be First to Like Your Insta Posts”, and Other Updated Wedding Vows for the Modern Couple

Illustration: Akshita Monga

If there’s one things we Indians get right it’s weddings. The average Indian is made for marriage just like beer is made for tandoori chicken. Here, the desire to get married is like a highly contagious virus that eventually infects everyone – even national heartthrobs such as Kareena Kapoor, Sonam Kapoor, Priyanka Chopra, Ranveer Singh, and Virat Kohli are not immune to it. So what chance does an ordinary Ramu or Roopa have?

While looking for an ideal spouse, astrologers will tell you to match your gunas and your manglik doshas. Tau jis and aunty jis will tell you to look for shared faith and a similar economic background. I’ve found that most couples can deal with the occasional cultural differences, eccentric in-laws, ill-health, and empty wallets. It is the little unholy things about this holy union that are the most annoying.

Virat and Anushka enlightened us with a sequel to the Manyavar ad, how AC and remote controls and towels lying around the house can come in the way of your happily ever after. Point taken, Virushka. Maybe it’s time a few unofficial vows could be incorporated with the regular ones this wedding season, so that every newly-wed can attain #couplegoals.

Elections are just around the corner and politics can trigger the calmest mind.

Thou shall try hard to have similar vacation goals

If you dream about a romantic Parisian holiday and your paisa vasool-type spouse books you on a group tour with middle-aged women who always cut in line and reserve the best seats, talk loudly, and force you to eat theplas, you’d wish you had booked a ticket to Asansol instead. Conflicting vacation goals can be a big source of marital tiffs. In fact, I’m already worried about Deepika and Ranveer. They’ll be too busy arguing over whether to use Goibibo or MakeMyTrip to book their tickets, and it doesn’t help that Alia Bhatt will always be around to criticise their decisions. With Ranbir Kapoor in tow.

Thou shall support/curse the same political party

Elections are just around the corner and politics can trigger the calmest mind. Conflicting political ideologies can prove to be a ticking time bomb for people whose sanity has already been compromised by matrimony. It was a good thing that Deepika and Ranveer were in Padmaavat together, not because it was a super-duper hit, but because they both suffered the wrath of the Karni Sena and the BJP together. It made their bond so strong that even their clashing endorsements like Adidas-Nike, Head & Shoulders-L’Oréal, and Kotak Mahindra Bank-Axis Bank couldn’t keep them apart.

Thou shan’t comment about the other’s shopping habits

If you love spending hours browsing in quaint little designer boutiques that feature local artisans while your partner is a Big Bazaar fan, somebody is gonna get hurt real bad. Just imagine if Sonam Kapoor ordered the latest Vera Wang gown for her Cannes appearance but her shrewd businessman hubby made her return it because he found something similar on a double dhamaka online sale at a 60 per cent discount? She might just go to Cannes and stay there forever. It goes without saying that husbands should be on the same wavelength as wives as far as shopping goes (so much to learn from DeepVeer) or at least pretend to be, or that mangalsutra you bought with zero down payment will be wasted.

Like that Queen song goes, we all need somebody to love and we all want an answer to that age-old question that haunts beggars and billionaires alike: Who will be around to change my diapers when I am 80?

Thou shan’t change the channel when the other is watching his/her favourite show

Since the dawn of smart TVs, the idiot box has become the preferred date of most couples. So imagine if Anushka wanted to watch Sui Dhaga on Amazon Prime Video after a hard day of shooting, but Virat only wanted to see reruns of his matches on Star. This could lead to a Band, Bajaa, Battle.

Spouses who think watching news and sports makes them intellectually superior to their partner’s Bigg Boss addiction need to introspect. Remote wars can get uglier than spats on a saas-bahu serial, so it’s better to sort it out before you seal the deal with that sindoor.

Thou shan’t always make the other parent Mogambo

This isn’t some kinky role-play thing; it’s a parenting issue. Experts will tell you that you need to be united in front of the children. One parent always ends up being the Joker – fun from the outside but super terrifying if crossed – while the other ends up like Mogambo – scary, but an actually good source of jokes.

Taimur Ali Khan has indicated by batting his eyelashes in Morse Code that although it is Kareena Kapoor who prevents him from eating chocolate, it is Saif, who recently announced a sequel to Go Goa Gone. This is what really scares the little Nawab.

Thou shall try to be on the same social media platform as their partner

Would it be true love if the entire world doesn’t go “awww” every time Priyanka Chopra uploaded a cosy couple picture and declared how much she adores Nick Jonas on Instagram? Would they be taking the plunge if Nick didn’t bother to heart every photo of Priyanka’s? In this world of polyamorists, swingers, asexuals, sapiosexuals, pansexuals, bi-romantics, autosexuals, dominants, and submissives, it has become necessary for couples who indulge in monogamous, vanilla sex to keep the flame of passion burning high by regularly posting romantic odes to each other on a social media platform of their choice. Husbands will be blocked and their relationships will be labelled complicated if they only use social media to update their resumés on LinkedIn.

I understand that finding a perfect match is hard, yet 5,000 hopeful couples in Delhi tied the knot on the auspicious day of Ekadashi in November proving just how popular marriage still is. Like that Queen song goes, we all need somebody to love and we all want an answer to that age-old question that haunts beggars and billionaires alike: Who will be around to change my diapers when I am 80? Some of us are lucky to have found someone and some of us continue to seek. Let the mayhem, madness, and marriage continue. And don’t forget to tag your lover in every Instagram post. #EverydayPhenomenal

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