By Sagar S Sep. 11, 2019
With iPhone 11, we’re looking to bring you the same groundbreaking features Android phones had back in 2012, but with a neat Apple sticker on the back.
You’ve done it, you crazy bastard. You’ve decided to buy the new iPhone.
First of all, congratulations. You’re either doing really well for yourself, or you identify as “urban poor”. And we didn’t think you had it in you. The last time we released an iPhone, a lot of you complained about how you’d have to sell organs to afford it, or how it cost close to three months rent, and we were worried about your futures. But you all went ahead and bought it anyway, so we got back to work.
Now, just a year later, it’s time to throw that piece of plastic away, and welcome a slightly more expensive version of the exact same thing into your lives. This time we’re looking to bring you the same groundbreaking features Android phones had back in 2012, but with a neat Apple sticker on the back. It doesn’t matter if you’re eyeing the iPhone 11 Pro Max, the iPhone 11 Pro, or the plain and simple iPhone 11 (lol poser), you’ve just entered an elite cult with Scientology-like rules on how to conduct yourself. Let’s get started by taking that device out of the box.
As you can see, the new iPhone has been carefully designed to trigger trypophobia (NSFL), an aversion to the sight of clusters or small holes, in unsuspecting customers. And help some of your improve your vocab.
Two new camera lenses were tried out, and because we couldn’t decide which was best, both were awkwardly placed on the back of your phone. This is NOT a design flaw. They stick out a bit so when you place your phone down during a job interview, or a Tinder date, it’s the first thing everyone in the room looks at. “Is that the new iPhone,” they’ll ask. “Oh what this little thing. No that’s my maid’s old phone,” you’ll reply, with the aura of smugness that’s demanded of our customers.
To join our cult, it’s important to shed all humility and transform overnight into that person who complains about a ₹70,000 phone not being good enough.
The two 12 megapixel cameras are designed to perfectly capture life’s most candid moments, especially the ones when you’re standing awkwardly at a bar with no one to talk to, but want to look like you are having the best night ever. Or when you want Titwala train station to look more like an abandoned train track in eastern Europe for your Insta page. Do note that our cameras don’t work properly until you have mentioned to every other phone user — and indeed DSLR wielders — how “lame their colours” are in comparison. So that you don’t forget this very important step, we’ve added an inbuilt watermark on your pictures that reads: “BEST QUALITY MOTHER PROMISE”. The font is very classy of course, Sans Serif.
You know this is why you’ve bought the phone. At first, we were surprised that people were even noticing the pixel count. We asked Tim Cook, “At this point, do people even care about screen resolution? Aren’t they all the same?” But apparently we’ve learned in the last 10 years that the lot of you believe our screens are superior, and we’re willing to use that in our favour. This time, our *insert superlative adjective here* screen resolution is more HD than an eagle’s eyes, or whatever. Go tell all your friends!
The minute you set up your new iPhone, you must begin to behave like an iPhone owner. To join our cult, it’s important to shed all humility and transform overnight into that person who complains about a ₹70,000 phone not being good enough. We at Apple don’t believe in making life simpler. Be prepared for hours of moaning about how some apps should be free, or how you never have a charger handy, and hence hardly ever use your phone anyway. You’ll get over it soon enough. Remember two years ago when you all complained that we removed the one thing that allows you to connect headphones to your phones? Today no one listens to music anymore. Problem solved.
Service and warranty
Lol, you better hope nothing goes wrong or you’ll have to wait for your phone to first be shipped across the world and take in all the sights (everyone deserves a holiday, okay), before it finally lands in a factory in China. While you wait three months for word on where your phone could be, interact with some of our very courteous staff (we stopped calling them geniuses after we saw the last six OnePlus phones come out). They’ll remind you that you’re an iPhone owner now, and that you should be grateful for being given the opportunity to wait. If you’re still angry, try and gain some perspective on the situation by staring at Android users on the road, and you’ll feel better about yourself in no time.
So now that we’ve explained to you why this phone is better than anything else you’ll ever own, try not to mess it up for us. We’ve spent years carefully cultivating this “better than the rest” aura around our product, so don’t do something stupid like upload a blurry picture with the “shot on iPhone” tag, and make us all look bad. In fact, just to be sure you don’t go too far off brand, we’ve installed a feature that automatically shuts your phone down and factory resets the storage if you attempt to download TikTok. This is a new iPhone, please have some standards.
Sagar has lived in Mumbai for most of his life. You can often find him complaining about potholes and local trains when he isn't out having a mediocre time.