The Douchebro who Became CEO


The Douchebro who Became CEO

Illustration: Juergen Dsouza


early assembled, I can’t see you too well because I’ve got my cool shades on in this dark room, but I’m going to assume you’re all ugly anyway. To be honest I’m only here today because my sexy employee was too busy crying in the bathroom over some “harassment thing” to book Harvard Business School. I would further elaborate on how attractive my employee is, but none of you could score a girl like her, so that would just be teasing.

Anyway, I quit these smelly rooms and their shitty porn when I was 21 years old. I wanted to make the world a better place, with more attractive women, fewer blogposts, and a better car for myself, so I dropped out  to find answers to two of the world’s most pressing problems: How come chubby girls have so much self-confidence these days? And, how can we make humans look more like cats?