What the BJP & Congress’ IT Cells Can Learn From the (Totally Real) Social Media Commenters on the Isha Ambani Wedding

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What the BJP & Congress’ IT Cells Can Learn From the (Totally Real) Social Media Commenters on the Isha Ambani Wedding

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

If you’re the kind of person who enjoys an opulent celebrity wedding, there hasn’t been a much better time to be alive. Three massive weddings in three weeks and three African countries just watched an amount equal to their GDP get spent on vegetarian food, a Beyoncé, and a spinning Game of Thrones actress. Seriously, the collective budgets of the Deepika-Ranveer, Nick-Priyanka, and Isha-Anand weddings could have sent a small nation to the moon.  

But it’s honestly only the last of the three, the Isha Ambani and Anand Piramal wedding extravaganza, that has captured the attention of the Indian public like no other – both with its impressive celebrity attendance and its unique understanding of the kind of videos that would later go on to make really dank memes.

In the week following the event, almost every social media post even slightly hinting that there might have been a wedding between the Ambani and Piramal family (including the one on this site), has been graced by thousands of doting commenters. And for a country that takes its internet shaming very seriously, it was rare to see that every single one of these thousand comments was really positive.

Now, you wouldn’t usually expect the “Ishand” (“Anaisha”?) wedding – held at the Ambani palace and Garba hall, Antilia – to be the hit it turned out to be. In fact, you’d probably say something like, “Dude, the entire wedding was a mockery of the middle-class, a gross display of wealth, tacky and distasteful, blah, blah…”

And for a country that takes its internet shaming very seriously, it was rare to see that every single one of these thousand comments was really positive.

Well, Mr/s Masters’ Degree, if only you’d put down the podcasts for one second, and open up Instagram, you’d see that for most people in this country, this wedding was a bigger spectacle than a Royal wedding between two Bigg Boss finalists. In fact, if you read closely, you’d notice that it was so intensely exciting for some, that they didn’t have the time to gather their thoughts properly.

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And these were the ones you could understand…

 

Wow, right. Who would have thought that so many people were in love with Isha Ambani and Anand Piramal? Before this wedding, if you had asked me if I’d seen Piramal anywhere, I’d have said, “No man, I don’t eat paan masala.” But apparently, the cutest couple in “alls of plenets and solar system even” also has the world’s cutest fan club. Sure they can’t spell too well, and yes, they may be suckers for poor choreography and shiny clothes, but in this lonely and sad world, it’s both rare and heartwarming to see people willing to stand up and declare their love so publicly.

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Clearly this crowd is easy to impress.

 

To add to this, these tender Ambani fans aren’t your average “like-for-like” Insta lurkers. No, we’ve got some real influencer-level game going on here. We’re talking going to Goa by train with GoPro-level game. Visiting five-star resorts with selfie stick-level game…

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“All I need in this life of sin, is me and Ambani.”

 

Now I am in no way suggesting that these caring commenters may not be real humans or – dare I say it – paid to be there. I’m sure there are millions of people out there with only eight friends on Instagram, and an undying love for the Ambanis. The problem is we’re so cynical these days, we can’t appreciate something as beautiful as a “rlllly cute weeeding of all ppls”, without assuming there’s a grand conspiracy behind it.

Where is your heart people? It’s not like all the comments were copy-pasted or anything…

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Guessing that was one hell of a family dance performance, guys.

 

Okay, maybe a few happen to share the same sentiment, but it could just be a massive coincidence that a number of new Instagram users just happened to log in at the same time and say roughly the same thing about an – objectively speaking, poor – dance performance.

You just don’t want to face the truth, which is that everyone loves the Ambani family and no one loves you and there’s nothing you can do about it. Just take your 500 fans and followers and sit in the corner quietly.

Meanwhile, we’re sure both the Congress and the BJP will be on the lookout for gentle and compassionate friends to like and comment on their pages as well ahead of the 2019 elections. Expect to see several statements like, “BJP is number 1 development king”, or “Congress had never did a scam ever,” or “Sonia Gandhi luk handsome in coat,” as the election dates draw closer. There’s a business idea somewhere in here, I think we’ll leave it to the pros at Cambridge Analytica to figure that one out.

For now, it seems like Isha Ambani and Anand Piramal have won the hearts of India. It turns out that when The Beatles sang about how money couldn’t buy them love, they clearly did not have as much money as these guys do.

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