“Shameless” Flood Victims and Conspiracies to Malign India: The World According to Arnab Goswami

Humour

“Shameless” Flood Victims and Conspiracies to Malign India: The World According to Arnab Goswami

Illustration: Arati Gujar

“What is the most outrageous thing I can say today?” I wake up, thinking. “Should I plot the downfall of another University, or finally follow up on my pet project – establishing a nexus between street dogs and Communism? (Chairman Bow, anyone?)”

It’s been almost a year since I did something as drastic as gherao-ing Shashi Tharoor’s house and accusing him of murdering his wife, and frankly nothing has given me that level of satisfaction yet. The last week I’ve spent insulting the victims of a natural disaster in Kerala hasn’t given me the thrill I thought it would. Maybe I should make a few calls and find another story.

Let’s go through my notebook real quick… hmm… I could call the very loud army guy and get some sympathy about army things, or I could call the loud religious guy and get some sympathy about religious things… Maybe I’ll invite an AAP apologist on the panel and switch off his mic every three minutes. Or maybe I should speak to Sambit first, he always has the best ideas. BRB, brain… Sambit Patra incoming.

So Sambit had an amazing idea! Invite the head of an NGO who works with impaired children on the programme and call them Comrade repeatedly until they throw away their mic and leave. How absolutely delightful that will be! That way, I could also cement my point about the whole world being scared of my line of questioning – a real ego boost, old chap. See this is why I consider Sambit the Bonnie to my Clyde, the Woodward to my Bernstein. I mean I wouldn’t even have anything to talk about without the guy.

Enough praise for Sambit. I’m indeed the best news anchor in the world. Who was there when the Tukde-Tukde Gang released their new rap album, “We Hate India?” Was it NDTV? No! Aaj Tak? No. Was Times Now there? Well yes, actually. But is my replacement at Times Now better than me? No way!

Wait. What’s that I hear outside? Does that sound like rainfall to you, Arnab? During the Mumbai monsoon, you say?

At times like this, when I feel like I’m not the only person in the world who matters, I should remember to take out from the drawer, that photo of Rajdeep Sardesai – the one with a moustache drawn on it by my child. I should take it out and say, “Look at your moustache Rajdeep! Who’s fake news now?”

Wait. What’s that I hear outside? Does that sound like rainfall to you, Arnab? During the Mumbai monsoon, you say? Well, throw in a pothole and a baby delivered on the train and that sounds like 2.5 hours of untapped prime-time potential to me, other Arnab. Thanks for the Super Exclusive for the day!

Which reminds me… my show’s title: “Super Exclusive Breaking News” doesn’t seem to convey the message I’m trying to put out. Feels a bit dull to me. Maybe I should improve it. Working title: “ALL THE NEWS OTHER JOURNALISTS DON’T HAVE, WE HAVE! WE ARE FIRST MOTHER PROMISE. SHUT UP EVERYONE ELSE.” Should get an intern to improve on it first thing Saturday night.

But now, it’s time for yet another show, and another round of vocal exercises. Just quickly check all my sources from that cool new website a friend told me about earlier. Hallmark, was it? No… Postcard, that was it. What a catchy name, I’ll almost believe anything they post.

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