Our National Obsession: Sallu Ki Shaadi


Our National Obsession: Sallu Ki Shaadi

Illustration: Sushant Ahire

Amid the distraction of the Rajput Karni Sena announcing its desire to own a collection of oddly specific body parts of Bollywood celebrities, Manushi Chillar winning the Miss World crown, and the delay in the winter session of the Parliament, it seems as if India has truly forgotten to talk about issues of national importance. Where are the concerned Indians debating about things that have really kept us up at night for several years, like Melody itni chocolatey kyun hai, and the most pertinent of all, is Salman Khan ever going to get married?

At this point, it’s as if Karan Johar and his koffee are the only Indians interested in discharging their duty toward the motherland by caring about Salman Khan’s sex life. The flamboyant 51-year-old actor, also Mumbai’s No 1 driver, has not only entertained the whole country with his shooting and acting skills, but has also taught the rest of us how to be human. The least we can do is proclaim our decision of not getting married until Sallu bhai does, like the numerous fans (including some random foreigners) announce in the trailer of the upcoming film Sallu Ki Shaadi.

The thoughtful folks at T-Series have gone ahead and made an entire film (starring Zeenat Aman for some reason) on Bollywood’s most eligible bachelor to almost emotionally blackmail him to finally settle down and un-virginise himself. The very noble film’s very noble tagline reads, “Jab Tak Bhaijaan shaadi nahi karenge, main bhi nahi karunga.” It’s proof that no matter how many blockbusters you give, or blackbucks you kill, you are only legit in this country if you are married. The fact that numerous people have spent their time, energy, and resources on making a two-hour long film about a movie star’s marital status is also a reminder of how low Bollywood can really fall. It’s as if we have taken an oath to never have our priorities right. After Sallu Ki Shaadi, what film should we expect next from Bollywood? Ranbir ki mangni?

Salman Khan

Think about it: Someone’s made an entire film on Bollywood’s most eligible bachelor to almost emotionally blackmail him to finally settle down and un-virginise himself.

Image credit: Aman Films

Bhaijaan’s fans (and the director of Sallu Ki Shaadi) are like the mothers of all bad boys who are convinced that marriage is the magical pill that can instantly transform a brat into a creature of virtue. Marriage, they hope, will make Salman a better actor, driver, shooter, and human. At this rate, Sallu bhai’s wedding might even make global warming disappear.

The obsession with Salman Khan’s virginity and marital status is so widespread in the country that it’s surprising that it’s not being discussed on prime-time news and in the Parliament. Though to be fair, I have to say this impending wedding seems to be the only silver lining in a news cycle dominated by watching our favourite idols fall from their pedestals into the pit of sexual allegations. Thankfully for Sallu bhai, he’s already done more than his fair share of falling. It’s 2017 now, and according to Bollywood, it’s totally okay to wonder when an overgrown man will end up marrying someone half his age.