Break it Like Raj Thackeray: The MNS Guide to Solving Problems

Humour

Break it Like Raj Thackeray: The MNS Guide to Solving Problems

Illustration: Robin Chakraborty

O

nce upon a time, a boy named Raj dropped a glass on the floor and it shattered to pieces. “Sab tod do,” his aai exclaimed angrily. He felt guilty, but even in that moment, he found the courage to ask his mom to shout in Marathi, and not Hindi. “Sagda todun taak,” she immediately shot back. Raj took her advice literally and that’s how the MNS was born.

Raj would grow up to play an important role in Maharashtra politics, though no one elected him to do so. He would burn buses and thrash outsiders on behalf of Maharashtrians. He would also shape MNS’s political philosophy, which can be encapsulated in their motto, “What would Gandhi do? I’ll do the exact opposite of that.”

In the “MNS Guide To Solving Problems”, rule number one is to identify the problem and make it about Maratha pride. No matter what the issue, people must be classified as North Indians, Biharis, Gujaratis, Madrasis, Maharashtrians, and so on. Raj was a visionary, he had already started hating on migrants long before it became fashionable to do so. He is now upset with Trump for stealing his ideas and making them international, with none of the promised credit.

Rule number two is that in the religion wala column of all sarkari forms, where Akshay Kumar writes INDIAN in block letters, the MNS puts Marathi Manoos. So must you.

The measure of how successfully you’ve tackled the problem, is how much worse you have succeeded in making it. You must be so absorbed with the problem that you become the problem.

Rule number three is, once a problem has been identified, you must tell yourself that you are the saviour of the masses. And to save the country, the only way out is to force everyone to speak in Marathi. Not just the people, street signs must all be in Marathi. Even street dogs and cats must bark and meow in Marathi. It is the only thing that is stopping India from world domination.

Remember you must take decisions on behalf of the citizens, even if they haven’t elected you as their representative. Did Batman and Superman go through the ballot box before saving the world? These formalities are for mere mortals. Democracy chi aaichi…  

Once you have identified the problem, there’s only one way to solve it: Dadagiri and tod phod. The law can be broken just like the toll booths. No one gets anything done in this country anyway, so you might as well take matters in your own hands, acting as judge, jury, and executioner.

People make the mistake of bringing a knife to a gunfight. Not the MNS. They only bring their fists (and a few rods) to a fight. Too many North Indians appearing for railway exams in Maharashtra? Let’s thrash then. Price of popcorn too high in theatres? Let’s slap the manager. Too many potholes in the city. Let’s break whatever roads are left. Sagda todun taak.  

The genius of the MNS is that they treat everyone as equals. They attack people, the same way they attack buses, cabs, and statues. Why should the taxpayer complain? The MNS is after all fighting their fight.

Logic has no place in the MNS handbook. It’s like watching a Salman Khan movie –  leave your brains at home. If you wonder how damaging a good road to protest bad roads will help the country, MNS isn’t the place for you. If you wonder how digging up a cricket pitch or sending back Pakistani actors will solve decade-long diplomatic problems between India and Pakistan, you don’t belong to the MNS.  

The measure of how successfully you’ve tackled the problem, is how much worse you have succeeded in making it. You must be so absorbed with the problem that you become the problem. Because, at the end of the day, politics sirf teen cheezon se chalti hai: Attention, attention, aur attention.

*Looks up Marathi translation for the same.*

Comments