“Thank Me For the Laughs”: Rahul Gandhi’s Honest Resignation Letter

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“Thank Me For the Laughs”: Rahul Gandhi’s Honest Resignation Letter

Illustration: Reynold Mascarenhas

I

t has been an honour for me to serve as the president of the Congress party, a post that was given to me after a tough fight in which I was the only candidate. Hehe, Shehzad Poonawalla is still bitter about that. In the last few years, I have tried to live up to the ideals of the Congress by taking over from my mother and ensuring that our family held the reigns of the party for 37-odd years of the 72 since independence. As India’s leading intellectual Karan Johar says, “It’s all about loving your family.”

As the president of the Congress party, I am responsible for the election loss, although truth be told I believe it was P Chidambaram, Kamal Nath, and Ashok Gehlot’s fault. Oh God, why did they promote their sons and jeopardise party interests? Did they not know that us Gandhis have a monopoly in nepotism. 

Now that we have lost the Great Indian Jugaad, otherwise known as elections, all my minions from Luetyns have turned against me. The same guys who wrote think pieces about my epic jadoo ki jhappi, started finding faults in my stars. But what do they know about being a star kid? Main to aasman mein udna chahta tha, khud ko dhundhna chahta tha. But aaj kal ye naya accountability ka trend chalu ho gaya hai. Who wants to be at the receiving end all the time? I’d rather resign. Not that it matters, because we all know who the boss is.

Anyway now that I have quit, l would like to first apologise to Ambati Rayudu, who was ignored by selectors when he scored runs, and whose retirement limelight I stole by  announcing my own resignation. That’s the tragedy of being Rayudu. As a hardworking man who didn’t get his due, I’m sure he must be feeling like a Congress worker on the ground who doesn’t have a Gandhi in his name.

Rahul gandhi_Bjp_leader_resignation

I’m just a dimple-cheeked single guy who winks, hugs, smiles, and sometimes takes a nap. In parliament.

The moment I tendered my resignation, there was panic. I was flooded with requests to take it back. Mostly from BJP leaders who were worried about their star campaigner walking away. I received a Whatsapp message from Modi ji saying, “How will we win without you?” followed a sad face emoji, which I thought was a sweet gesture. I then realised that my leaving would hurt the BJP. If my resignation meant that things got tougher, even Amit Shah couldn’t force me to take it back. 

There has been some drama within the Congress in the days leading up to my resignation, which I found cute but thoda extra. One guy said he would hang himself if I stepped down. We were worried initially, but then we saw the rope he carried with him, and had a good laugh. Besides, such sycophancy should be only limited to Rajinikanth, Salman Khan, and Modiji. Who am I to command such a following? I’m just a dimple-cheeked single guy who winks, hugs, smiles, and sometimes takes a nap. In parliament. 

It is now time to look to the future. I will help rebuild the party, although that was the job I was originally entrusted with and failed at miserably. However, if and when the party needs me, I’ll will always be present to campaign in any corner of the country and drastically reduce the local candidate’s chances of winning. I will always be there to take on Modi ji and Amit Shah, and I think I’m getting better at it with every election. Didn’t chowkidar eventually become more popular than chaiwalla? I will carry on no matter how many memes are made on me. Politics is in my shirt, it is in my pants, and it’s in my Burberry jacket. They must never forget that. 

I will help rebuild the party, although that was the job I was originally entrusted with and failed at miserably.

I am only 49 years old, but it seems like India is not ready for a dynamic youth leader yet. Those sniggering at me, when Salman Khan can play a 25-year-old in Bharat why can’t I be a yuva neta? I don’t get our voters. When I was elected Congress president, everyone was talking about how we need to promote younger Indians to get into politics. As I leave my office with a heavy heart today, voters with folded hands are telling me “Nahi chahiye bhai tumhara youth.” I guess it’s over to you, Arvind Kejriwal.

I owe the country a debt of tremendous gratitude and love, but if I’m being honest, the country also needs to thank me for the laughs I have provided during these difficult and polarising times. 

Jai Hind.

 

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