Arré Checklist: Four-Step Guide to Finding Parking in Mumbai


Arré Checklist: Four-Step Guide to Finding Parking in Mumbai

Illustration: Juergen Dsouza

Managing to park a car in Mumbai is such an impossible feat that it should be the climax of a Rajini film. Judging by the harrowed expressions on the faces of most Mumbaikars – and this is on the basis of a very scientific study – it’s clear that they’ve wasted years of their lives just looking for a parking spot each morning. Well, here’s some good news. The perfect parking spot exists just around the corner – if only you could take a few leaps of imagination. Here’s a glimpse.

Work the graveyard shift

Think of Mumbai as the Upside Down from Stranger Things. Everything is exactly the same – approximately. This means that if you’ve been driving in circles looking for a spot since 9am, anytime after 8.30pm is when you’ll finally have a place to park. How can you make use of this information? Well, start a con-call from your car with HR and your employer, and explain your newfound lifehack. Tell them that you will now start coming to work by 9pm and work the night. Not only do you have enough parking space but there will be zero presence of annoying miscreants from your office. This will not only make you work harder but also make you massively creative. Moreover, you won’t ever have to worry about coming in late to work.  

Apply the Nolan method

Most people watched Interstellar and left with questions about human nature and space travel. I saw it and left with answers on where to park. Here’s how you go about it. All you need is one 10,000 terahertz laser, one beam splitter, two reaction beads (in case one bursts into flames), one reaction chamber (preferably one from a nuclear company), a carbon launcher, and a supercomputer. Of course, you might want to take a Nirav Modi-sized loan to afford all this equipment. Once your laser hits the bead it should explode, creating a temporary star with hydrogen. The carbon launcher will take the hydrogen away from our star, simultaneously overloading it, and tearing a beautiful hole in space and time, thereby, creating our very own black hole. If you do succeed in doing this, parking space will never be an issue in your life. An added bonus to this method is not having to worry about parking even if you fail, because you will, in all likelihood, have destroyed the planet.

Life is short. Go time-travelling

I can understand your plight, we already travel so much every day that now we’re compelled to add time travel to the list. Go back in time and find that moment when you decided to move away from a vacant parking space, thinking that a better one was only a few meters away. Now, that you’ve reached that critical moment in the past, focus on the parking and don’t look back. This is your only chance, and if anything known as fate exists, then this is your moment. Once this domino falls, the sequence of your life events will change forever and you will find your parking space. Repeat every day.

Park over your dead body

Okay, so I’ll be the first to admit that the methods above might not work for everyone. Parking is such a Sisyphean endeavour that you might as well check out right now and drop dead underneath your car. You have to be a whole new level of fatigued to be doing this but I’m on your side. Just go for it. The best part is if a parking spot contains a dead body, it will immediately become a crime scene and no one will be allowed to touch your car. And just like that, you’ll have parked your car forever.

You might think we don’t need to resort to such extreme measures, but there will come a day when we will run out of parking spots entirely, and these suggestions won’t seem so outlandish. Every great idea has its time – these, not very far in the future.