An Open Letter to Grandmothers Watching Veere Di Wedding

Humour

An Open Letter to Grandmothers Watching Veere Di Wedding

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

D

ear Granny Offended by Veere Di Wedding’s Masturbation Scene, Who Has Been Trending on Twitter All Day,

Firstly, please accept my heartfelt apologies for the unexpected change in your regular weekend programming. There you were, looking forward to seeing Sooryavansham on Set Max for the 271st time and your granddaughter drags you to watch Veere Di Wedding, a film about four women. The last time you watched a film featuring four women, it was the Nirma commercial.   

But unlike the Nirma commercial, where the women get “charam sukh” with washing powder, these women seem to go about their business with vibrators. Naturally you were flabbergasted and lashed out at Veere Di Wedding. It’s not your fault at all – after all, you didn’t choose the bhakt life, the bhakt life chose you.

But it turned out to a wise choice. You, dear Granny, turned out to be cooler than you ever intended to be.

Thanks to your sanskaari film critiquing skills there are now entrepreneurs devising “Gran-der” — an app where moviegoers can match with grandmas and take them for VDW. Online ticketing platforms are thinking of introducing a new popcorn + grandmom combo for anyone who buys a ticket and BookMyChotu is all set to reinvent as BookMyGrandmom. Sunne mein aaya hai, that even Pahlaj Nihalani is hell-bent on convincing the I&B Ministry to make the Indian grandmother the next Censor Board Chief. In the words of visionary Abhishek Bachchan, “Tera jadoo chal gaya”.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from when you say “I’m Hindustan and I’m ashamed of #VeereDiWedding”. Veere Di Wedding can indeed be quite a shameful watch: The four female leads do as they want, stay out for as long as they want, and are even given as much agency as the raja betas in the country. Here you were hoping to get a realistic look at the lives of women inside the kitchen or washing clothes, but the actresses in the film do not enter the kitchen even once and there is no sign of Nirma in their bathrooms.

It’s no wonder then, that you view VDW as a fantasy film and don’t relate to it – back in the good old days, women existed in films only to make your pudgy, unfit heroes (shoutout to Chintu!) run around trees by running in front of them in pretty clothes. At that time, the only way four women would be in one frame was if there was a funeral.

Back in the day, the only way four women would be in one frame was if there was a funeral.

How can anyone blame you for being so pissed off with the scene where Swara Bhasker is masturbating and orgasming openly without shame. There must be countless questions floating through your mind: How dare she? Is it even possible for women to have an orgasm? And if it is, why did nobody tell you? All those years that you spent looking longingly at the belan now seemed wasted, don’t they?

I’m sure your other problems with Veere Di Wedding are absolutely genuine. For instance, how unrealistic can a film be where a wedding is called off not because the girl’s side forgot to pay dowry but because the bride had a problem with ring that was too big? Whoever heard of a woman having a problem with a big, flashy piece of jewellery? Or a woman actually having any problem with anything? Does the film not realise that by giving women the freedom of choice, they are actually polluting Indian culture?

But most importantly, you must be thinking, how dare VDW imply that the future is female?

You’re actually right; the last thing this country clearly needs is a film where older male heroes are not romancing actresses half their age. Men should be men and women should be women. You seem to have a lot in common with India’s favourite humanitarian who is doing Race 3 just for this cause. Tell your granddaughter to take you for that film next. I’m sure you will finally achieve charam sukh.                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

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