Nothing to Hide & Other Bolly Awards We Didn’t Know We Needed


Nothing to Hide & Other Bolly Awards We Didn’t Know We Needed

Illustration: Shruti Yatam/Arré

The new year is upon us and what better time to recognise those people who have spent the previous year not getting enough recognition: Bollywood celebrities! After inspecting various television channels over the weekend, a company that deals in suffocating children in Africa so they can make those tiny plastic packets old people put their pills in, decided that they would get into the award show business. The CEO of the company thought the whole spectacle might provide a positive PR spin to their flailing brand, which is currently exclusively consumed by shady men who sell “drugs” (aka talcum powder) to unsuspecting customers.

And so, this Monday, the Raju Thaili’s Best Acting in Akhand Universe award show was announced at a press conference. The gig was attended by none other than Big B himself — Punjabi rapper Baadshah — who performed an acoustic version of the hit song “Wakhra Swag” that brought attendees to tears. In between other hit performances, like KRK’s Spoken Word, the company also released a list of new categories, which are a wee bit more honest than regular Bolly awards.

The “Thanks for Showing Up” award

The TSU will be given to that one celebrity who displayed exemplary grace in the way they arrived at the venue. They managed to put all their clothes on without throwing too much of a tantrum, probably took a shower before coming, and that’s good enough for us. Plus, this way the actor is forced to show up and the associate sponsors are forced to shell out, even though they haven’t even made a movie in the last year or so.  

Our guess: Aamir Khan

The “Most Likely to Ignore Fans” award

No award show is incomplete without the presence of random fans standing with their mouths open at the entrance like they’ve just met the person who built the Great Pyramids of Giza. Our award goes to that one celebrity who goes out of his way to ignore the shit out of these people. Said celebrity will be given extra points for flipping a fan off, while providing advice on how to have a privileged background like he does.

Our guess: Arjun Kapoor

The “Your Dad’s My Friend” award

This award goes to that one thespian whose father was intelligent enough to befriend Raju, of Raju Thaili. Our academy judges candidates by how much money they were born into, how many PS3’s they can afford to throw out of the window, and how little time they’ve had to work to get this award. Their parents have to be industrialists, bankers, filmmakers, politicians, or basically anyone Raju Thaili can benefit from being around.

Our guess: Sonam Kapoor

“Apart from these awards, sources say, an unnamed lifetime achievement award will be given to Hollywood actress Priyanka Chopra for her contribution in taking our Indian culture to the West”

The “Most Likely to Nip-Slip on Instagram”

That 13 to 25-years demographic of testosterone-driven “men will be men” cannot be ignored. After years of couching it under various other categories, Raju Thaili has finally decided to call a spade a spade, and come up with this unique category awarded to that one person whose areola is slightly more visible than others. The winner of this category would have to have suffered a sufficient number of “oops moments” captured by the creeps hired to take pictures on red carpets. Getting “slut-shamed” on a social media network adds points.

Our guess: Tiger Shroff

The “No Way You’re Dancing” award

Just take your award for best actor and retire already, bro, because we haven’t seen a human who can bear to watch more than a minute of you “dancing”. The last time we put you on stage, it was so awkward we had to convert that segment into a five-minute-long paan ad featuring Pierce Brosnan. Plus we don’t really have the time to invest in the CGI it requires to make you look like you’re having a good time. So enjoy your trophy and leave the dancing to Hrithik Roshan.

Our guess: Sunny Deol

Apart from these awards, sources say, an unnamed lifetime achievement award will be given to Hollywood actress Priyanka Chopra for all her contribution in taking our exaaatic Indian culture to the West in such a graceful and charming manner. Besides, everyone loves Qwaannikko.