No-Effort New Year’s Resolutions for Commitment-Phobe Millennials

Humour

No-Effort New Year’s Resolutions for Commitment-Phobe Millennials

Illustration: Arati Gujar

I

s there anything quite like the beginning of a shiny New Year? It’s as though all your filthy sins and scummy Hinge fuckbois of 2018 have been scrubbed away, leaving you with a fresh, clean slate to start all over again. And your New Year’s Resolutions are the tools that will help you really make this your year.

This is the year that you’ll get in shape, you vow, watching the ganji-wearing receptionist at the yoga studio cheerfully swipe your card. You feel a gentle moistness in your jeans as your wallet sheds a tear, but it’s okay – you still have the rest to spend on organic fruits for your #NewYearNewMe juice cleanse. Plus, think of how much you’ll save on booze and cigarettes now that you’re definitely, totally, cold-turkey quitting! Enough to hit your latest resolution: Put ten per cent of your salary into a mutual fund, so you can finally take that Eurotrip.

It’s only when you step out of the peaceful cocoon of the yoga studio and into the street that you realise you’ve made a terrible mistake.

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