Let’s Be Honest. This Is What Your New Year’s Resolutions *Really* Sound Like

Humour

Let’s Be Honest. This Is What Your New Year’s Resolutions *Really* Sound Like

Illustration: Shruit Yatam

Every year, hungover revelers wake up on January 1 and set about making resolutions that last about as long as a snowball would in Hell. Nonetheless, we promise ourselves to leave the degeneracy of the past year behind and start afresh. These resolutions serve no practical purpose other than serving as conversational fillers when you run out of ways to show your date what a well-rounded individual you are. Given how unlikely it is that any of these resolutions are likely to last even until February, we’ve prepared a handy translator’s list, so that you can call your friends out when they start spouting nonsense.

Resolution: “2019’s all about moderation for me.”
Honest translation: “Remember when I got shitfaced and tried to hump a printer at the big office party last year? This year I’ll stop at simply getting shitfaced.”

Resolution: “I’m going to quit smoking this year.”
Honest translation: “Do you guys want to smoke a joint? It’s safer than smoking cigarettes.”

Resolution: “SERIOUSLY! I’m going to quit smoking, I’m done with cigarettes.”
Honest translation: “I’m going to keep smoking this year, but I won’t be buying my own cigarettes.”

Resolution: “I plan to be more open to experiences and people in my life.”
Honest translation: “I won’t swipe left on Tinder as much this year.”

Resolution: “I’m done with toxic people and relationships.”
Honest translation: “I’d have to be super-duper extra-horny this year before I call my ex, as opposed to once a week like last year.”

These resolutions serve no practical purpose other than serving as conversational fillers when you run out of ways to show your date what a well-rounded individual you are.

Resolution: “I’m going to abstain from social media and spend more time talking to people.”
Honest translation: “I’m only doing 50 candid Instagram stories a day of me interacting with people this year.”

Resolution: “I’m not going to drink this year.”
Honest translation: “I’m only drinking expensive, top-shelf booze this year. This way I’ll drink less, which is almost the same as not drinking.”

Resolution: “I’m going to start saving up this year.”
Honest translation: “Everytime we decide to split the bill, you’re going to have to pay, and then follow up for a week before I finally pay you back.”

Resolution: “I’m finally going to travel more this year.”
Honest translation: “I’m going to stay at my desk reading travel listicles and getting mad FOMO from my friends’ travel posts, until I finally take a five-day vacation and come back disappointed.”

Resolution: “I’m going to declutter my life and focus only on the essentials.”
Honest translation: “I’m going to sell those headphones I bought last year for 15,000 bucks on OLX because I need the cash to pay off my credit card bill.”

Resolution: “This year I’m going to get in shape.”
Honest translation: “Brace yourselves, fitness posts are coming. Also did you check out my #gains?”

Resolution: “I’m going to smoke less pot this year.”
Honest translation: “I wonder what MDMA feels like?”

Resolution: “I’m going to find love this year, I’m done keeping it casual.”
Honest translation: “I’m finally caving in to parental pressure and taking the plunge. Plus all my friends’ wedding photos are giving me #FOMO.”

Resolution: “I’m going to read more this year.”
Honest translation: “Netflix’s Ultra HD plan is too expensive, so I’m going to share with my cousin.”

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