Let’s Be Honest. This Is What Your New Year’s Resolutions *Really* Sound Like

Humour

Let’s Be Honest. This Is What Your New Year’s Resolutions *Really* Sound Like

Illustration: Shruit Yatam

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very year, hungover revelers wake up on January 1 and set about making resolutions that last about as long as a snowball would in Hell. Nonetheless, we promise ourselves to leave the degeneracy of the past year behind and start afresh. These resolutions serve no practical purpose other than serving as conversational fillers when you run out of ways to show your date what a well-rounded individual you are. Given how unlikely it is that any of these resolutions are likely to last even until February, we’ve prepared a handy translator’s list, so that you can call your friends out when they start spouting nonsense.

Resolution: “2019’s all about moderation for me.”
Honest translation: “Remember when I got shitfaced and tried to hump a printer at the big office party last year? This year I’ll stop at simply getting shitfaced.”

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