By Arré Bench Mar. 09, 2018
Before the life-numbing realisation that it’s already the sixth month of the year and you haven’t done anything productive hits you, take a deep breath and join us in daydreaming about five apps that could have made 2018 our year.
Now that the Kim Kardashian and Donald Trump meet is over and Kanye West has managed to dominate just about every conversation, enough to send you into depression, let the life-altering realisation that we’re already on the sixth month of the year dawn on you. Half the year is gone and 2018 has already showered us with a set of fresh problems – sleep-deprivation, dark circles, missed opportunities, and existential crises at lunch every day.
But… there is probably an app for that. All you need to be is lazy with a deliriously low attention span, and an overt dependence on technology. Here are the five apps we wish were developed to help us get through the remaining year.
NSpire: This app is basically a motivational speaker with benefits wrapped up in a bunch of algorithms that your rapidly crumbling life obviously needs. Remember all the times you took an hour just to get off your bed, or procrastinated going to the gym for a straight year while renewing your swimming membership and didn’t end up going for that either? Yeah, Nspire helps you forget all those dark times by home-delivering motivation on demand. All you have to do is sign up on the app and select your level of fatigue and laziness. The good folks at NSpire will then get to work and send you a serving of motivation that’s best suited to your situation, all in under two hours. This app will understandably have a long waitlist that’s designed to test your motivation. Fail at it gloriously, and you will receive a code that will allow you to sign into NSpire.
Lonr: This app is the one friend that anti-socials and loners wouldn’t mind making. This app takes away your morning blues by notifying you when your landlord and the neighbour you just fought with have left the building, so that you can leave your house and start your day without having to make small talk. Say goodbye to being forced to talk about the weather or discussing that Netflix special you have no intention of watching or giving in to invitations of carpooling at work with that neighbour who’s No 1 on your avoid list. If anything, Lonr will help you become the best loner ever.
NameNShame: The app for our times. NameNShame comprises several crowdsourced lists of perpetrators of heinous crimes that you should definitely swipe left on Tinder, OkCupid, Hinge, Woo, and Happn. You definitely don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. The range of lists will include Shitty People Who Chew Too Loudly, People Who Treat Waiters Like Personal Property, Garbage People Who Defend Woody Allen, and Smellies Who Shower on Sundays. Subscription to the app will be free, but membership will only be granted once you contribute a name each to at least two of these lists, and start a list of your own. In case, you need some inspiration, here’s an idea: Awful People Who Think Get Out Played The Race Card.
M8Splain: Just posted a tweet, a Facebook status, an Instagram photo and received nothing but likes, retweets, and positive comments without a drop of hate? Worry not, M8Splain is here to be your personal mansplainer. Just fire up the app and insert a screenshot of your latest abuse-free post and within seconds, the app will give you a list of inaccuracies with it, try explaining to you your post sprinkled with a healthy dose of hate. An ode to the strength of men, M8Splain is an app that’ll immediately enrich your life like never before.
Fo$$$il: An app intended to give you an authentic pre-historic era experience by switching off all your apps, disabling your phone’s camera, and calls. Your phone will now be no more useful than a stone. A rare and thoughtful invention, this app will give you moments of noise-free peace that may just end up granting you enlightenment.
2018 wouldn’t be the “shittiest year ever”, if these apps were around, would it?