Horrorscopes: May this Month Have a Swift End


Horrorscopes: May this Month Have a Swift End

Illustration: Juergen Dsouza

Taurus: The extinguishing of a bright and glorious star will suck out the beauty from your Universe. If Vinod Khanna was the epitome of good looks, you shall become his polar opposite. Expect the sudden growth of a unibrow, the appearance of severe acne, the growth of double, triple, and quadruple chins, and a constantly leaking nose for the next two weeks.

Gemini: The planets are in a harmonious position, the stars have aligned, and the heavens smile down upon you. You will have a perfect week, unless you encounter an American citizen. This chance meeting could set off a chain reaction of events leading to Donald Trump attacking North Korea and kick-starting World War III.

Cancer: You will experience exhilarating highs and depressing lows simultaneously this week, much like Priyanka Chopra, whose upcoming Baywatch release is offset by news of Quantico getting cancelled. You could win a discounted trip to water park, which will come with a free skin infection.

Leo: There’s a malevolent influence upon your fortunes this week, courtesy of Saturn. People you thought you could count on, like friends and family, will turn their backs on you after discovering your browser history. You’ll be left with a long list of names you thought were dependable but weren’t, just like Royal Challengers Bangalore thought Chris Gayle and Virat Kohli were dependable batsmen.

Virgo: If you’ve ever been a fan of the Rajasthan Royals or danced to a Shilpa Shetty song, your coming week will be spent embroiled in a criminal investigation. Expect to be called on as a witness in the Raj Kundra duping case, and asked to prove that you weren’t in cahoots with him all along.

Libra: A beam of positive vibrations entering your life from Venus will be intercepted by a telephone signal. More specifically, it will be a landline call from CM Yogi Adityanath, who will be conducting a surprise check to see if you are at work, much like he is checking on employees of his government. If you miss his call, you will be trampled by a herd of cows in the next three days.

You might lose your job to a massively popular new hire.

Scorpio: On the auspicious occasion of Akshay Tritiya, it would be prudent to lock up your valuables, and not buy any more gold or jewellery. This is because it is a well-known fact that gold fever strikes the country on auspicious days, and you would do well to prepare for a horde of housewives attacking your house in a raid for gold.

Sagittarius: Ripples in the fabric of the universe caused by a huge star going supernova in Vancouver, will alter the nature of reality for all Sagittarians. Along with the rest of humanity, you will slowly morph into SRK over the coming weeks: chain-smoking cigarettes, romancing partners 20 years your junior, and finding it hard to pronounce the name Kiran.

Capricorn: A shooting star seen on the night of Bahubali’s premiere means that life will begin to imitate art. Be careful of your relatives, as they might betray you and stab you in the back, a la Katappa. If you wish to prevent this fate, you need to buy 777 tickets to the movie’s 7 pm screening, and arrive seven minutes late.

Aquarius: Due to a distant star’s death, your fortunes are sure to plummet. You might lose your job to a massively popular new hire. To stall this reversal in fortunes, start bringing up corruption charges against your replacement, and if all else fails, claim EVM fraud, no matter how irrelevant it is to your situation.

Pisces: You will write a cheque for your electricity bill, but it will bounce due to a clerical error. Unfortunately, you will be charged with fraud and presented in court. If it is a full moon that night, you can expect your cellmate to be someone famous. Hold on to the hope that you might soon be BFFs with Subrata Roy.

Aries: The position of Jupiter indicates that a great financial setback is coming your way. It’s possible the habit of betting on IPL fantasy league that you and your friends have will do you great harm. But Jupiter smiles upon your friends, who will enjoy fatter wallets thanks to your foolishness.