A New Dictionary for a New World


A New Dictionary for a New World

Illustration: Juergen Dsouza

Auntypathy (noun): A natural, basic, or habitual repugnance toward elderly women.

“When Smriti Irani was the HRD minister, Indian students were filled with auntypathy.”

Berth control (verb): The highly irritating practice of placing a handkerchief or handbag on an empty seat to indicate that it has been reserved for people who refuse to arrive.

In waiting for Baba to grow up and take charge, berth control has become a habit for Sonia Gandhi.”

Bellygerent (adj.): A hostile or aggressive reaction displayed by a person whose tummy size is being criticised.

After hearing the comments people made over her selection as Barbie, a bellygerent Amy Schumer hit back at body-shamers.”

Cock-a-doodle-do (noun): A precise instruction given in art class asking students to sketch a mighty penis.

Has anyone done a Ranveer Singh cock-a-doodle-doo yet, asked Shah Rukh Khan after seeing Singh’s bulging pants in Befikre.”

Condominimum (noun): The critical amount of latex required for the structural stability of a contraceptive device.

“N.D. Tiwari failed to take the sufficient condominimum required to prevent paternal disasters.”

Copulate (noun): A policeman who consistently arrives at a crime scene after he is no longer required.

Two days after the missing boy had been found, the copulates reached the scene of crime.”

Come-a-sutra (noun): An ancient Hindu treatise on the art of arriving at a specified place.

When WilKat came to India, Sachin performed the come-a-sutra at Oval Maidan.”

Chicken Sharma (noun): A member of the strictly vegetarian pandit clan who eats fowl on the sly. Also known as Double Dholki.

Amar Singh’s political career could be compared to the life of your average Chicken Sharma.”

Café late (noun): The one person who enters the conversation once everyone else at the table has finished their coffee.

When Chetan Bhagat tried to define feminism after the rest of the world moved into action, he proved to be a Café Late.”

FruGal (noun): Penny-pinching female member of the species.

When spending the exchequer’s money, Jayalalithaa was often accused by the opposition of not being a FruGal.”

Guynocology (noun): The branch of social art that deals with turning down unwarranted advances from men.

It is widely agreed that with her years of practice, Sunny Leone has become an expert practitioner of guynocology.”

Irritable Vowel Syndrome (noun): The state of unhappiness felt by a grammar Nazi upon seeing words misspelt or mispronounced.

When she proclaimed ‘Jejus’, Rakhi Sawant unleashed a virulent strain of Irritable Vowel Syndrome on the public.”

Manchester United (noun): A sisterhood of like-minded women, all with one common characteristic feature – a flat chest.

Keira Knightley is the founding member of Manchester United.”

Pettycoat (noun): A small, narrow-minded coat.

When contestants of the reality programme Bigg Boss need to clean the bathroom, they put on their best pettycoats.”

Phallusy (noun): A mistaken belief in the length, showmanship and performance of one’s own member.

Donald J. Trump called himself yuge at the debate, displaying his inner phallusy in a bigly way.”

Seeductive (adj.): Someone who needs to be enticed into giving up his profession and take up gardening.

The nation thinks Arnab is in dire need of seeduction.”

Veterant (verb): The feeling you get when you love our soldiers so much that you are willing to yell at random people for it.

All complainers in the ATM queue deserve a veterant.”